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Blogs We Like
Is alimony in need of an update?
Blogger excoriates women who expect men to pay for everything.
The following story set off a thoughtful rant by “Fabulously Broke”: A judge this year granted alimony to a jobless woman despite the fact that she and her husband had waived any claim to alimony when they divorced 27 years ago.
This turn of events is one of the anecdotes in an excellent Wall Street Journal story about why some lawmakers think alimony laws are sorely in need of an update. (It appears that the economy is prompting more people to seek support from spouses they divorced years ago. We should also note that a large majority of alimony payers are men.)
Here’s the core of the WSJ piece:
The nature of marriage has changed dramatically over the decades. Women now make up almost half of the American work force. But alimony, a concept enshrined in ancient law, has remained remarkably constant. Now, the idea that a husband should continue to support his wife forever, even after the demise of their marriage -- long a bedrock of divorce law -- is being called into question. Pressures are mounting to change a practice that some see as outdated and unfair.
Unfair is right, blogger “WellHeeled” said about the alimony award mentioned above, and she produced an example of similar thinking:
“Right now I am receiving unemployment insurance payments because I qualify for them. It doesn’t matter that my parents have the ability to give me $X a month. Can the government go to Mom and say, ‘Oh, sorry, you have to cover WellHeeled’s UI payments because you were her primary caretaker for 18 years, and we don’t really want to pay’”?
Fabulously Broke also thought the alimony award was unfair, and offered that financial dependence of women on men is not limited to older folks. Many of her girlfriends still expect men to pick up the tab.
“Some of my girlfriends think that just because they’re girls, they should pay as little as possible. The guy should take care of them. He should pay for all dinners out, all trips, treat them to gifts, spoil them with flowers, all in exchange for being with them,” Fabulously Broke said.
She added that men are stupid for letting women take advantage of them like that.
“But regardless of who’s taking advantage of whom, the bottom line to me is that it just isn’t fair,” FB wrote. “Barring circumstances such as being a SAHM with kids to take care of, a woman should always have control of her own financial destiny.”
What’s your take? There are two questions here:
- Is alimony a product of a different age that should be amended or even tossed out?
- Do women -- at least some -- in this day and age still expect men to take care of them? (Good grief. I thought we’d gotten beyond that.)
Related reading:
I am not fully aware of the alimony law here in US. But I find it very interesting that the ex husband would pay for for the ex-wife even after years of marriage.
On the other hand, I must say, that I have been witness of so many cases where the husbands do not pay anything for the child support thinking that this money is being spent by their mother. They would go as far as to accept to not see their children because they are not paying the child support. And I must say that this is wrong too.
However, I would not generalize these cases, because they all depend on the parties involved. Both cases are wrong and unfair.
BJ
When my husband and I had our first child, we decided I would stop working and stay home to raise the children. After 18 years of marriage, my husband and I are divorcing. For me to start back in the workforce, I will be able to earn about $30k. My husband earns around $150k+. Do I think I should receive alimony? Yes. As we agreed, I stayed home and gave up my career and earning potential, which, by the way, is a choice I do not regret. But now that we are splitting, I do think he should help to support me and the children for some time. I enabled him to continue to work (business trips, late nights, etc.) and know that his children were well cared for. I see what I did as a partnership which allowed his earning potential to increase. Should he be the only one to benefit from the time I put in (and will still put in, as I will continue to have the majority of child care responsibilities) to the care of the home and children?
Yes, I am sure there are situations where the woman is taking advantage of the man, but this is not always the case. I hope if alimony laws are changed, they do take into account all possible situations, not just the cases where someone is taking advantage of another.
Permanent alimony is indentured (?) slavery - you cannot escape it - it is a lifetime punishment for being a good provider. I am in my 10th year of paying permanent alimony after a 15 year marriage - and she was only 42 at the time of the divorce! Alimony prevents the person receiving it from moving on - gettting a career or remarried - because they will give up the goose that laid the golden egg. I cannot change careers, or consider retirement - because I would not be able to keep up the court ordered payments. And guess what - every two years she can take me back to court to increase it if my salary or her needs go up - and don't tell me she won't because she already has!
At the very most, the length of alimony should never exceed the years of marriage. Where else can you get a lifetime pension after only 15 years? I wish I could get an opportunity like that. We will look back on these laws in amazement one day, but for now they are ruining lives.
We were approaching our 10th anniversary when my wife asked for a divorce. I suggested counseling...she went 3 times and said she put in an effort. I tried mediation...she kept making changes on the fly as to what she was taking. At one point she told me she was entitled to lifetime alimony and didn't have to work because she has ADD (which she's on medication for). After our 2nd child was born she took some time off. When she did go back to work, she purposely sought temp jobs at half her previous salary. I also found out that she had an affair with a guy at one of these jobs, which she denied even after I had proof. Before splitting up, she replaced the majority of her wardrobe, giving away her older clothes so it looked like she didn't buy that much. Through friend and family, I found out that she's been a golddigger all along and that her mother even pulls insurance scams every couple of years. Yet, since we live in NJ, which favors women, I have no chance of full custody, the affair means squat, and I will still have to pay her alimony. The good news is, she was wrong about the lifetime alimony (I had known that) and ADD means nothing (there are brain surgeons with ADD). Warning: make certain someone loves you for who you are, and not what you can give them.
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