The rude new tip-jar economy

I pride myself on knowing how to tip and on being a generous tipper. But a recent encounter left me reeling.

I got a massage from a chain that offered a $35 special rate. It was a good massage, so I'd planned to tip 20% of the usual $49 cost. That is, until I hit the checkout counter and saw a sign informing me that the minimum tip was $10 and a really good tip was $20.

My brain froze. I wanted the masseuse to know I had appreciated her work. I put a second $10 in the tip envelope. But as soon as I hit the street, I was ticked.

Because I knew I'd been had. The massage was good, but the provider did not deserve a 41% tip.

• Find on Bing: Where tipping isn't customary

There's no question tipping is part of the social convention in the U.S. But, increasingly, we're being pressured to tip more and in more situations than ever before.

Resisting the changes makes us feel like jerks, but giving in makes us feel like chumps. Either way, it's embarrassing.

Gratuitous affronts

• Those tip jars that have popped up on seemingly every counter in America, even at fast-food counters and, amazingly, some drive-throughs.
• Apparently mandatory "service charges" of 15% to 20% now added to bills for restaurants (especially when a group is involved), cruises and hotel room service.
• People who in the past didn't accept tips, such as hair salon owners, but who now seem to expect them.
• Businesses that allow you to tip only in cash, rather than add it to your credit card slip.

I certainly understand that customs change, as I wrote in "Here's a tip: 20% is the new 15%." But I want choice in where and how I tip -- a choice that some businesses seem determined to take away. Etiquette expert Peter Post agrees with me, but only to a point. He doesn't like tip jars or other attempts to strong-arm customers into unnecessary payments, and he was satisfyingly outraged by my massage experience.

"I'm astonished somebody would do that," said Post, the director of The Emily Post Institute and author of five etiquette books, including "The Etiquette Advantage in Business:Personal Skills for Professional Success." "They're creating frustration for their customers, and that's not a good idea. They should just raise the price rather than doing what they're doing."

But Post actually likes having service charges included in restaurant bills, because he thinks our tipping customs in this area are a big hot mess.

The reality of tipping

"We know that they are underpaid in many states. The tradition is that (wait) people aren't paid a living wage," Post said. "Like it or not, that's the way it is."

Etiquette and common decency preclude us from protesting the system by denying the wait staff a customary tip. But not everyone plays the game by the rules, leaving restaurant workers vulnerable to the whims of bad tippers.

Video: Tips for successful complaining

Service charges level the playing field, ensuring the wait staff makes a decent living while still allowing patrons to reward special service with an extra tip, Post said.

I may grudgingly have to concede his point there. Another advantage, in my view: There's a paper trail for most of the server's income. Cash tips encourage tax evasion, which isn't fair to those of us who try to pay our fair shares.

Risking customer resentment

I talked to Dallas Bennewitz, the chain's spokesman, who said Massage Envy doesn't have a corporate policy on tipping. But he said the $49 rate I saw advertised was actually the rate for "members" who sign up for a year's worth of massages and that the "nonmember" rate was twice that.

Continued: What I know for sure

Bennewitz suggested the store's tipping policy was based on that nonmember rate. But I have trouble believing many people in my area would pay $98 for a storefront massage, given that there are several other chains that charge far less. Within a few miles are The Massage Place, which charges $47 for a 60-minute massage, and The Massage Company, with its $39 fee. There's even a clothed-massage place a few blocks away called Super Relax that offers a head-to-toe rubdown for $25.

In any case, it makes no sense to me to tip based on what other people might be paying, and I sure as heck don't want to be told that what I thought was a decent tip is actually the bare minimum a service provider would accept.

Don't like feeling manipulated

"I think it's just somewhat sleazy and low-class to hang up the sign, put out the jar, etc.," wrote poster "NancyinFL." "It won't turn lousy tippers into good ones. It can turn a good tipper away from your business, however."

Post validates that feeling. He particularly loathes tip jars that have signs such as "for our college fund." "That's the fastest way," he said, "for me not to put something in the tip jar."

• Find on Bing: Where tipping isn't customary

Businesses that strong-arm customers risk frustrating and angering those who otherwise would be happy to tip, Post said."There's a presumption that you have to comply, instead of you having a choice about leaving a tip," he said. "It's like writing a thank-you note because it's your own idea, versus being told to do it by your mother."

Video: Tips for successful complaining

OK, now that I'm thoroughly riled up about this, here's what I know for sure about tipping:

• You can ignore tip jars. Throw in some change if you'd like or if you get particularly wonderful service, but otherwise, don't bother.
  

• If service providers survive mainly on tips, you tip. The list includes waiters, valet parkers, manicurists, casino dealers, bellhops and hairstylists (including, I guess, salon owners).
• If you feel you can't tip, don't use a service where a tip is customarily expected. If money is tight, then patronize fast-food or cafeteria-style restaurants, cut your own hair, park your own car, paint your own nails, haul your own bags and stay out of the casino, for goodness' sake.
• If a business is bending the rules, speak up rather than give in. If you feel you're being pressured to tip more than is customary, let the business know how you feel. I sure wish I had.

Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston's award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board and helps middle-class families cope at Building a Brighter Future.

Published Oct. 5, 2009