Solutions for a saver-spender marriage

"If both partners aren't on board, then there's a real chance the one who feels shut out is going to sabotage the outcome," says Amanda Clayman, a financial psychologist in New York.

That's what happened to Anna, one of the founding members of the WIR. Despite her own efforts to shore up her finances and meet her goals, she had an uncooperative spouse who really didn't care about money. As a result, Anna never made the progress she wanted.

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So my first condition in letting Heather into the WIR was that she get the full support of her spouse. Of course, verbal consent doesn't translate to behavioral transformation, but he did agree to make financial unity a priority, and that's a good first step.

Six steps to getting in synch with your spouse

Next, here are some of the steps Heather and her mate need to take to establish long-lasting financial intimacy, success and happiness:

• Know your roles. Money guru Dave Ramsey says that in most relationships, there is a money nerd and a free spirit. If you're reading this article, you might be the detail person seeking to understand your flighty spouse, or the laissez-faire one trying to make peace with the money drill sergeant you live with. Either way, it helps to know the role you play -- and that each person brings strengths as well as weaknesses to the table. My advice: Always look for and respect your spouse's strengths, even when you don't want to admit he or she has any.

• Give up on being right. "What most money arguments come down to is selfishness," says Ramsey. "I'm a 54-year-old having a fit in the cereal aisle because I didn't get my way." When approaching money matters with your spouse, let go of the idea that one of you will end up "right." The point is to agree, first and foremost, that you both want to cooperate in finding a solution for your financial problems that will feel comfortable and workable for all.

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• Talk about what you mean. If you both want a "better life," for example, don't assume your definitions are identical, says money counselor Clayman. Keep an inquiring spirit: What does each person mean when they say "I want to live comfortably" or "Let's get organized"?

• Keep it short. Ramsey advises limiting most money talks to 17 minutes. These topics are fraught, and most partners benefit from a bit of breathing room between rounds, I mean, meetings.

• Explore each other's values. Rather than argue about how often they should eat out or how quickly they should pay back her loans, Heather and her husband can avoid a financial stalemate by exploring what their experiences and views are about spending, budgeting and owing. "This is not a conversation about why it's 'right' to pay off loans or to use money to enjoy the present," says Clayman. "It's about why these courses of action are important to each partner or why they are difficult."

• Negotiate a solution. "Ideally you should arrive at a plan that involves a common course of action and support for each other," Clayman says. She suggests taking a "trial period" approach. Try out a solution for a month or two or three. Then revisit the decision. For example, Heather and her husband might try eating out once a week as a treat, and putting more toward debt and savings, then assessing this new step in a couple of months.

Published Oct. 17, 2007

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