Get off the spending treadmill

Levine says she's now more aware of the social pressure people face when they try to spend less or embrace different financial priorities -- for any reason. "It's true whether you don't have money because you're trying to get out of debt, you got laid off or you have a new kid. It's easy to get sucked in by friends doing expensive things."

Coping with friendly fire

You often have to reckon with certain temptations when you stop consuming in the name of competition. But the pitfall most people don't foresee is how painful it can be to feel like an oddball.

Personal-finance advice tends to focus on the smart ways you can manage your money: Cut back spending! Pay down debt! But in order to take those steps and quit keeping pace with the Smiths, the Joneses or anyone else, you also need to find ways to cope on the back end.

• Don't believe what you see. A reader named Kala posts in the Women in Red message board that she is less prone to get stuck in that cycle of covetous consumerism once she knows the truth beneath someone's high-buying facade. One couple, she says, "holds up a mirror for me on the dangers of keeping up with the Joneses. Every other week there's something new. Every other month everything in the house is rearranged! One week they want to sell his bike. The next week they have two new ones. I couldn't understand how they were surviving, knowing their financial status." Later she learned that her friends were being subsidized by parents and wealthier siblings -- and that other friends were relying on similar crutches, such as credit cards, to keep up appearances. "As I learned more about my friends, I realized how much they and we are trapped in this illusion of how our lives ought to be," Kala says sadly.

• Remember that no one may notice. When Alex Martin started wearing her little brown dress day in and day out, "I expected to get a lot of flak," she says. To her surprise, few people even noticed. "We are all so concerned with our own lives and families and work and whatever we're doing, most people don't judge what you do," Martin says. "I think we need to give people the benefit of the doubt."

• Learn to be honest. Judith Levine said one of the great lessons learned from her yearlong shopping sabbatical was that people can take the truth. "I learned to be a lot more straightforward," she says. "I'll say, 'I can't afford to do this, but I do want to spend time with you.' I'll say, 'Can I make you dinner?' or, 'Let's go the museum on Friday nights when it's free.'" Friends, she says, appreciate knowing you don't care about the event, you care about seeing them.

• Have the courage of your convictions. A reader who goes by the message board moniker Jniter said that a few years ago she and her husband endured some slings and arrows for their frugality, which was motivated by the desire to save for a down payment in high-priced Silicon Valley. Some friends avoided inviting them out "because they thought we'd decline because of the expense," she says. And when the couple decided to replace their 13-inch TV with a modest 20-inch model, "they laughed." The tables turned when the couple bought a townhouse -- to the astonishment of their more spendy friends. "Suddenly they were asking us questions about how we spend and manage our budget," she says.

• Ignore your fears. Another concern when we alter our financial way of life is that people will judge or criticize us. "People tend to worry that friends will be insulted or will think they're cheap -- or that their own families might think they're cheap. It's like going to a wedding and thinking you have to buy an expensive present or the bride won't like you," she says.

The benefit to your bottom line

The best part of not keeping up with the Joneses isn't just financial, Levine says. Although she did pay off almost $8,000 in credit card debt, she felt that the main gain she experienced was in her personal life.

"One thing about not buying stuff is that you end up with a lot of time," she says, pointing out that even shopping online is a time drain. "Once you have more hours on your hands, you can give more time to people," she says.

Ducking out of consumer life also gave her a much-needed sense of calm about money. "It gave me a sense of control and optimism about my financial future," she says. "I learned that by not spending so much money, I wasn't sacrificing a full or happy life."

In fact, Levine adds, it was the reverse. She and her partner became more involved in causes they believed in -- from supporting public libraries to helping victims of the 2004 tsunami.

"You not only learn what you can live without but what you really want to spend your money on."

Updated March 7, 2008

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