When I made plans to get together with a friend recently, money didn't enter the equation.
We had decided to splurge on some sort of beauty treatment together. (Guy readers: Imagine tickets to a great ballgame.) I suggested getting facials; she said she would do anything.
But when I called to book the treatments, I learned a facial would cost more than $100. Rather than saying so, I told my girlfriend I had a cold and suggested we get pedicures instead.
Well, I did have a cold. But I was also unwilling to spend 1/13th of my mortgage on my face. So why didn't I just say that?
I have friends who earn more than I do, friends who earn less. By and large, financial issues remain on the fringes of my relationships.
Except, of course, when money tension sneaks in and ruins a really good time, which is what happened in this case. Why does this happen?
First of all, I have several girlfriends who out-earn me, including this pedicure pal. She knows it. I know it. So what was I trying to hide?
In the salon, we splurged on $40 pedicures, which was fine; I was still within my mental budget. Until the manicurist "offered" us a supplemental lemon-verbena foot scrub.
(I love how these places "offer" you some deluxe add-on, as if you won't have to pay for it. Ahahaha.)
Once again, instead of being frank and saying, "No, thanks, this pedicure is expensive enough," I shrugged and looked at my friend, who shrugged and looked at me, and somehow that turned into "Sure, go ahead."
Lesson 2: You hurt only yourself.
Now I was furious with myself, irritated with Ms. Lemon Verbena and dreading the final bill. And guess what?
That dollop of lotion cost an extra $20. Twenty dollars. I could have bought five bottles of lotion!
I almost had a cow. But I was still trying to keep up appearances, so I played it cool.
That's because we had plans for dinner at a pricey place next door, which I had picked based on my mental budget and now felt obliged to stick with even though my mental budget was whimpering in a corner.
Then, another awkward moment: At the end of dinner, my girlfriend offered to treat me for my birthday. The only trouble was that my birthday had been three months earlier, so now I worried that she made this gesture because she'd heard my inner calculator go SPROING.
When you can't enjoy a friend's thoughtfulness, you know you have a problem.
Lesson 3: Maybe it's not them, it's you.
What I realize in hindsight: Money tension may seem to exist between you and someone else, but it's really your own private problem.
It wasn't my pal's fault that:
- I wasn't honest.
- I didn't communicate clearly.
- I let my agitated state drive me to make choices that were outside my financial comfort zone, my values and my budget.
If I were to do the whole thing over again, I would have said at the start: "Hey, I don't want to spring for a facial. Let's get pedicures."
Being clear about my financial state at the outset would later have allowed me to issue a confident "no, thanks" when Ms. Lemon Verbena came around. I also would have felt more comfortable making a reasonable choice about dinner.
Was the underlying tension that my friend's income was so much greater than mine? Maybe.
Continued: Would you rather earn more than your pals?