3 lies we tell about money

Jane, the newest member of the Women in Red, is working to be more honest about her financial straits -- because she has realized that financial fibs get her into hot water. When her significant other invited her to play golf with his friends recently, she told him it wasn't a problem.

"Well, it was," Jane admits now. "I didn't do the math -- and that afternoon ended up costing me nearly $50."

Why the lie:

Spieler says there is a difference between denial and tailoring the truth for others. Denial "is not a fully conscious, deliberate thing," Spieler says. It's primarily the way we hide things from ourselves.

The lie you tell about your financial situation could be concealing numerous other emotional issues, she notes. In Jane's case, she may wish to appear more financially equal to her partner, or simply desire to appear in control of her money.

• Talk back: Do you lie to yourself about money?

Quite often though, Spieler says, "there is an overall refusal to accept one's limitations. We say we don't have such-and-such limitations, we're fine -- and we get into deeper problems as a result."

Admitting a particular truth to someone else also makes your money problem more concrete and harder to avoid.

3. Sins of omission

"Sins of omission" sound innocent -- as though you just forgot to mention something -- but they too can be poisonous. In reality, they are an ugly combination of personal denial and lying to others.

• Your friend admits that she's in debt, but you just nod sympathetically, even though your debt could eat her debt for breakfast.

• You make a major money mistake, and you're so ashamed that you vow to take it to your grave.

• Your pals are planning a ski vacation this winter and invite you along. You're broke, but you book the hotel and flight anyway.

• You just found out that your spouse is $25,000 in debt, you can't make your car payments and you have no idea where to get help -- so you don't even ask.

I was in this situation a couple of years ago. I calculated my estimated taxes incorrectly (as a freelancer I pay every quarter) -- and got a friendly note from the Internal Revenue Service saying I owed it $11,000.

Rather than admit the truth to one single living soul, not even my poor husband, I zipped my lip, set up a payment plan and started chipping away. "They're my taxes, not debt," I rationalized. "So I don't need to tell anyone."

Why the lie:

Wrapping a key financial matter in a cloak of silence is really about keeping up appearances -- and fooling yourself that you haven't lied, you just, um, didn't tell the truth.

As with No. 2, lying to others, it's partly true that you don't have to air your financial laundry in public. But you have to ask if the fear of exposure is stopping you from making financial progress -- or asking for the help you need.

When my husband finally asked what was up with all the extra checks made out to the United States Treasury, and I told him the truth, the sky didn't explode. Nor did our marriage. He helped me figure out a way to pay off those back taxes faster.

Continued: How to tell the truth

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