The fine art of holiday tipping

By Liz Pulliam Weston

If you've made your holiday list and checked it twice, chances are you've still forgotten some folks: the service providers who are expecting holiday tips.

End-of-the-year gratuities can show these folks that you appreciate the work they do for you and thank them for helping your life run more smoothly. This extra cash may help foster loyalty and, in a few instances, prevent future problems (like a building superintendent who might become sulky).

• Talk back: Are you tipping this holiday? How much?

If you want to get to the meat of whom you tip and how much, skip down a bit. The next section is for those of you still balking at the whole idea. I've learned a lot about holiday tipping since first writing a column about it a couple of years ago, including:

Some of you think I invented it. "Wow, what on earth are you doing??" one outraged reader wrote. "Get real and try to relate to the public, not just your own little rich community. I expect at least $20 to $50 please for giving you a much-needed service -- a wake-up call!!"

So I consulted etiquette expert Peter Post, who assured me that holiday tipping has been around a lot longer than I have and isn't an isolated phenomenon. The amounts and even who is tipped can vary from place to place, but holiday tipping is ingrained in American life.

"It's not a regional custom," said Post, author of "Essential Manners for Couples." "It's everywhere."

Many of you don't like it. Like several others, one reader -- who called himself "Scrooge," no less -- opined against the whole idea of tipping, at holidays or otherwise.

"Classic one is a bartender expects a $1 tip on $6 bottle of beer," Scrooge wrote. "Why should he get a tip ... he didn't do anything special? He opened a fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer and opened it. Boy, he really worked hard for that one."

Yes, indeed, why shouldn't that bartender work for the pleasure of Scrooge's company? There's a head-scratcher.

But the anti-tipping crowd has good company. Judith Martin, author of "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated" agrees that tipping in general is a "silly system" that "grew up haphazardly" so that some workers -- like the bartender, the waiter, the taxi driver -- expect tips while others performing similar functions -- psychoanalyst, airline attendant, bus driver -- get their compensation from their paychecks. She finds it puts too much power in the hands of not-always-fair clients.

That doesn't let you off the hook, though. The system's the system, Martin says; we tip because it's expected: "It would be Scrooge-like, not to mention wrong," she writes, "to deny these workers their expected income merely because one doesn't like the method by which this is provided."

Some of you want in on it. I fielded a fleet of e-mails from readers who want some holiday generosity spread their way. Many mail carriers take offense at U.S. postal regulations that discourage tips, and one newspaper carrier thought the amount recommended by etiquette experts -- $10 to $30 -- was "an insult … (unless) the customer also tips during the course of the year."

Given that holiday tips are customarily given only to people who provide regular, repeated service, the most puzzling letter came from an appliance-repair person who wanted a customer-supplied bonus. Sir, if you're showing up regularly enough to be tipped, doesn't that say something rather negative about the quality of the service you provide?

But by far the biggest roadblock to holiday tipping is that:

Many of you think you can't afford it. Post empathizes, and hastens to add that holiday tipping, and gift-giving in general, "isn't about going into debt." If your budget won't stretch, it won't stretch.

But that doesn't release you from your obligation. Post recommends that in situations where a holiday tip would be expected, the financially challenged compose a handwritten thank you note and include with it some kind of seasonal gesture, like a plate of holiday cookies. Superb service might prompt a praise-filled letter to the worker's supervisor.

Personally, I think there may be more room in people's budgets than they think. The average American consumer is expected to spend $90 on gifts for him- or herself this season, according to the National Retail Federation. A little self-restraint could help you express your appreciation for at least some of the people who help you during the year.

Who shouldn't expect a tip

Now that the debate portion of this column is finished, we can run through the shortlist of people you don't tip.

You'll be relieved to know that there are people who aren't expecting cash from you. That doesn't mean you can ignore them, though; it just means your gift shouldn't be green. These people include:

• Teachers: Professionals in general shouldn't be tipped, and teachers typically include themselves in this category. Ask what classroom supplies they need, and supply them. Gifts of food or a well-deserved day at the spa (perhaps purchased jointly with other parents) can be thoughtful, as well.
• Friends: Whatever the service they provided for you, a gift is a more appropriate thank-you than a check.
• U.S. Postal Service employees: The Postal Service discourages tips, but your mail carrier is allowed to accept gifts worth less than $20.
• Anyone who would be insulted: You'll have to feel your way on this one a bit, since some of the people you traditionally didn't tip -- a beauty salon owner, for example -- now often have no problem accepting your money.

Continued: The ground rules for tipping

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