15 worst holiday gift ideas

The joke's on you: Before you spend $20 on whoopee cushion or another joke item, think about flushing that $20 down the toilet. Is that funny? We didn't think so.

Books by the pound: Why buy a mere book when for the same money you can give a tome? That two-thousand-page volume of the sixth installment in the life of Lyndon Johnson is MUCH more desirable than a book someone might actually read. Sure, the megabook can be read by those with more time than taste, but it can also serve as a flower press, a door stop and kindling. Four gifts in one!

Inventiveness or desperation?

Gifts made by your own $40-an-hour hands: At some point, the Spirit of Frugality will pin you to the floor and tell you that the best way to save money during the holidays is to make all your gifts by hand. Resist this impulse! First of all, just because you don't have money doesn't mean you have talent. Second, handmade gifts always cost more than you think, in both time and money. My truly talented sister-in-law, Deirdre, decided to make people jewelry one year. She quit when she found out how much it was costing her in supplies, never mind the all-nighters spent stringing tiny beads.

• Tell us: What was your worst-ever Christmas gift?

Things that can't be exchanged on this planet: Resist the urge to go down to your local "Tofutti 'n' Things" boutique and buy a one-of-a-kind set of embroidered Bolivian hankies imported by the proprietor herself for your sister who lives on the opposite coast. The odds are good your sister will hate them and curse you for making her buy a $400 plane ticket to exchange them.

Last year's gift, again: My mother's best friend gave her a kaleidoscope. Several times. At least two Christmases and a birthday. So try to keep track of what you've given people in the past. Dad doesn't need a fourth scarf. (I once gave my sister-in-law the same book three times.) If you're not sure, ask someone who might remember last year better than you do.

Treasures from King Tut's tomb: It's always so tempting to buy from those slick museum catalogs. How can you go wrong giving a replica of something that has been sitting in the Smithsonian Museum for a hundred years? But unless you know that your cousin in Denver loves Egyptian artifacts or really wants a lamp that sprouts from the head of Queen Nefertiti, forget it. Warning: If it looks tasteful, keep shopping.

The pro-am present: My brother is a cooking maven. Ask him the difference between braise, stew and sauté and you'd better have a good hour on your hands. So guess what I never give my brother? Anything to do with cooking. I know, it's tempting. Your brother-in-law plays a mean game of golf. Therefore: DON'T waste your money on a golf gift. He already has it. And now he has to return it.

AND FINALLY...

The thoughtlessness that counts: Don't get pierced earrings for your friend who doesn't have pierced ears (I did). Don't buy cookies for a diabetic. No booze for the teetotaler. Don't get "Fear of Flying" for a born-again Christian. You get the idea.

With these 15 rules in mind, you can easily avoid the worst gift-giving mistakes. You'll save time. You'll save money. And you will thank me when your credit-card bill comes in January and, thanks to this list, you haven't bought a damn thing for anyone.

Happy holidays!

Updated Nov. 19, 2007

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