When ex-husbands get alimony

By SmartMoney

Amy Williams, 38, never imagined she'd end up a single mother of two paying alimony to an ex-husband. Yet that's where the media executive found herself when her 10-year marriage dissolved in 2004.

During the early years of the relationship, Williams (whose name was changed here due to privacy concerns) supported her husband while he completed a doctorate in history. The assumption, she says, was that he would find a job in academia. That day never arrived. He was unable to find work but also didn't want to be the primary caregiver for their kids. So Williams paid for child care.

When the two decided to part ways, it became clear that Williams wouldn't be able to simply walk away. Why? According to family law, Williams was the primary breadwinner, and her husband was viewed as a dependent spouse who needed help getting back on his feet. With the help of a mediator, the couple reached a financial agreement: In addition to splitting their assets, Williams agreed to give her former spouse $15,000 for a car and pay $14,000 in financial support spread out over 14 months.

"My feeling was that I worked hard while he was trying to figure out a career," Williams says. "I was penalized for that during the marriage and then after it ended." (See "5 mistakes married women make.")

One-third of wives are chief breadwinners

You don't have to be as successful as Britney Spears or Reese Witherspoon to fear getting sued for alimony. Like Williams, more women today are obligated to pay their ex-husbands some form of financial support, says celebrity divorce attorney Raoul Felder. Though there are no official statistics on this trend, wives are the primary breadwinners in one-third of all marriages, according to the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics, leaving them at risk of paying maintenance should the unions fail.

"Call it the dark side of the liberation coin," Felder says.

Historically, it was men who were obligated to pay alimony based on the assumption that women couldn't support themselves, says Alan Feigenbaum, a co-author of "The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce." This was indeed the case in the 1950s and 1960s, when most wives were homemakers and cared for their children. In the 1970s, however, society and divorce laws shifted. Women entered the work force in larger numbers, and family laws regarding marital support were made gender-neutral.

What hasn't significantly changed is that women are still the primary caregivers of children. So not only are these wives supporting their husbands, they're also caring for the kids. (Not all breakups turn out nasty. See "Happy divorces.")

Today, men and women are equally eligible for some form of alimony if one is dependent on the other for financial support, regardless of who takes care of the kids. But here's some good news for women who hold the purse strings: The days when judges would easily grant long-term support are over, Feigenbaum says, especially for marriages that last fewer than 10 years.

Though state laws differ, typically dependent spouses are granted temporary maintenance based on the length of their marriages, or what's called "rehabilitative support," until they can patch up their finances. During this time, an underemployed ex-spouse may go back to school for a degree or get career training to update outdated skills.

In Williams' case, she desperately wanted her husband to find a job. But the law favors the status quo. In other words, because Williams had allowed her husband to stay home while they were together, she was obligated to continue to support him until he could pay his own bills. "(This situation) is not much different than when a woman says she gave up her career for the kids but has a full-time nanny," says Daniel Clement, a New York divorce attorney.

Despite gender-neutral laws, women do have one thing in their favor. Even when the law says dependent husbands are entitled to financial support, some attorneys say they have seen a stigma facing those who ask for support.

"When judges see a man asking for alimony they think, 'What's wrong with you?' " says Sandra Morgan Little, the past chairwoman of the American Bar Association's family-law section.

Some men say they feel the stigma, too. When John Bailey, a 31-year-old graduate student (who also asked that his real name not be used), got divorced, he chose to walk away with nothing. He didn't even take the 50% of the marital assets he was entitled to. He felt the assets were his wife's property because she had earned them while he studied.

"I had no income," he says. "It was bad. But I didn't want to be that guy who was getting (alimony) from his ex-wife."

Not all women will get off so easily. Nor should they, lawyers argue. If women want equality in the work force, they will have to take on the responsibilities attached to a higher salary, Little says. In cases of divorce, that responsibility is paying alimony.

How to protect yourself

Though state laws vary, most couples can expect to split marital assets earned during the marriage. Here's some advice for keeping the rest of your money safe:

• Keep premarital assets separate. Keep what's yours. Any money one spouse brings into a marriage before the wedding is considered separate property should the couple get divorced. There is one important exception to the rule: If the wife, for example, commingles the funds in a joint bank account or spends the money on something for the couple, the assets are then viewed as joint property, says Emily Doskow, an attorney and the author of "Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce."

• Protect your inheritance. In most states, an inheritance, regardless of when you receive the money, is also viewed as separate property, unless you gift it to your spouse. Again, if you put the money into a joint account or spend it on something for the couple the assets are converted into marital property, attorney Clement says.

• Ask for a prenup. It might not be romantic, but if you want to limit your future losses, you had better ask your groom or bride for a prenuptial agreement. "No one ever enters a marriage thinking they are going to get divorced," Little says. "Yet half of marriages do fail."

• Watch the clock. If your marriage is essentially over and you simply haven't gotten around to filing the paperwork, get on it. Alimony is partly based on the number of years you're married. And once a marriage is deemed long-term -- 10 years or more -- one spouse may be required to pay support indefinitely.

• Help your spouse find a job. Feel like your spouse is a freeloader? Tell him or her to get a job before you file for divorce or risk paying alimony. Courts favor the status quo. If it seems you allowed your spouse not to work during the marriage, then you could be responsible to help support that person after the union dissolves, Feigenbaum says.

This article was reported and written by Stacey L. Bradford for SmartMoney.