Divorcing a cheater? Get more money

All the rest of the states are equitable-distribution states. "In these states, the judge has discretion to decide how the property should be divided, and the court can consider a number of factors," Wolfrum said.

They include the length of a marriage, the parties' ages and health, their earnings and likely future earnings, the ability of the parties to support themselves, their educations and who paid for them, and property acquired during the marriage.

Pursue spousal support

If you're working through mental health issues after the affair, you may want to have that factored into the settlement.

"You can say: 'I've been married for 20 years, and I thought he was faithful. Then I found out he was having not just one affair but multiple affairs. I need at least a year of therapy, and I want child support and alimony computed on zero income for that year because I'm devastated and emotionally unable to work,'" Wolfrum said.

Go after the home wrecker

Stealing a spouse is a form of personal injury, which can be compensated. Depending on the state, injured spouses may be able to file "alienation of affection" or "criminal conversation" lawsuits against the other woman or man. Even if you don't go after the paramour, raising the possibility may get you a better deal from your soon-to-be ex.

"Alienation of affection" is a term that covers someone's interfering with an affectionate relationship. Since 1935, the law has been abolished by most states as an archaic form of revenge. However, if you live in a state where the law is still on the books -- Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota or Utah -- you may be able to receive some financial compensation. More than 200 such cases are filed annually in North Carolina, which protects marriages from third-party interference.

In an alienation lawsuit, you don't have to prove the other person had sex with your spouse, according to Haas McNeill & Associates, a law firm in North Carolina. "The exclusive right of sexual intercourse is not the right protected in this type of case," he said. "It's the actual affection between spouses that's the right protected."

Unlike alienation lawsuits, criminal-conversation lawsuits are about the other woman or man having sex with your spouse. You don't have to prove that the intercourse changed the way your spouse feels, only that sex between your spouse and the other person occurred while you were married.

Know who the other person is

Before you can go after the person involved with your spouse, you have to know his or her identity. Houston, the author, offers the following tips for finding out:

• Reverse phone number search. "If you find unfamiliar numbers on your caller ID, cell phone bill, programmed into your spouse's cell phone or scribbled on scraps of paper or the back of business cards, you can do a reverse phone number search to find out whose number it is," Houston says. For a fee, this service also lets you run background checks on any names.

• Reverse e-mail address search. "If your spouse is sending or receiving e-mails from someone you don't know and you want to find out who a certain e-mail address belongs to, you can run a reverse e-mail search with the largest e-mail search database on the Internet," Houston says. This is the same service used by law enforcement.

• Background check. "If you have the name of the person(s) you think your spouse is involved with, you can run a background check to find out more information about this person," including address and work history and whether he or she is married, single or divorced or has ever been convicted of a crime, Houston says.

Hire a good lawyer

Getting a greater share of the marital assets requires a skilled lawyer.

"Start with an attorney from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, because they are noted for excellence in this area, and many have passed a second bar exam to become a certified family law specialist," said Wolfrum, who also recommends you get a copy of Internal Revenue Service Publication 504, "Divorced or Separated Individuals."

This story was reported by Laurie Moison for divorce360.com

Updated May 26, 2009

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