advertisement
The psychological dynamics get even more complex if some adult kids are getting help while others aren't. Financial planner Victoria Collins of Irvine, Calif., advised one wealthy family whose two self-sufficient sons deeply resented the tens of thousands of dollars given to their underemployed sister.
The brothers felt they were being punished for being economically responsible. "And they worried about the (subsidy's) effect on their future inheritance," added Collins, a co-author of "Best Intentions: Ensuring Your Estate Plan Delivers Both Wealth and Wisdom."
6 keys for a parent who wants to help
So how is a parent today expected to navigate these treacherous waters and figure out when to step in and when to hold back?The answers are as individual as families, but here are some thoughts to guide you:
Get real. Parents need to take a clear-eyed look at their emotional as well as financial situations. If the handouts are jeopardizing their own finances, their marriage or their relationships with their kids, something definitely needs to change.
A good look at the kids' finances wouldn't hurt, either. Some kids are simply unwilling to accept that they need to take a step down on the economic ladder when they leave home.
"They're imitating the parents' lifestyle," Gallo said, "even though they're no longer living there."
Take your time. You usually don't have to respond to a request for help right away, Gallo said, and you probably shouldn't. Knee-jerk reactions can obligate you to a course of action you might later regret, while planning your response can give you an invaluable opportunity to teach your progeny something about handling money.
"Take a day or a week," Gallo said, "and think about what you want to do."
Analyze the request. Will the money help your child eventually become more self-sufficient? Or will it just lead to more requests for help?
Many parents are happy to help with a home down payment, for example, because home ownership can help build wealth over time. Author Buffone and his wife gave each of their children a lump sum for that purpose; other parents provide "matching funds," promising an amount equal to whatever the child saves.
And most parents wouldn't have a problem stepping in during a true emergency, such as if a child or grandchild needed medical care.
Video on MSN Money
Dealing with boomerang childrenHere are some ground rules to consider if your kid winds up back home after college.
But what your kid thinks of as an emergency may just be the result of bad decisions and lack of planning -- behavior that will continue if you keep supporting it.
"Sometimes you have to step back, hold your breath . . . and let what happens, happen," said Cole, the Sherman Oaks therapist. "If he's financially responsible, the kid will come through."
If he's not, he may learn a valuable lesson.
Formulate a plan. If you're going to help a child pay off debt, as Collins did with one of her children, a formal agreement with a stated interest rate and repayment schedule is a smart choice. Insisting the child stick with the payments is another.
If financial weaning is necessary, consider ways you can help your child be more self-sufficient.
The wealthy family Collins advised, for example, decided to gradually reduce the amount of money the daughter was getting while paying for some courses so she could update her job skills.
Communicate the plan. You should have learned this when your kids were toddlers: Clear expectations and definite limits can forestall a lot of whining.
Adult children need to know when help won't be forthcoming, when it will and how long the economic outpatient care will continue.
One of Gallo's acquaintances, for example, agreed to help his recently graduated son out of $6,000 in credit card debt -- but only by paying half and only with the understanding that this was a one-time event.
"He said, 'Don't ever ask me again,'" Gallo said. "Today the son is in his 30s and financially responsible."
Stephen Stoltz got a similar edict from his folks. The Lubbock, Texas, college student agreed to destroy his credit cards in exchange for his parents paying his $3,500 balance, and he understands that all financial aid will end when he graduates.
"They were understandably in shock that I had any debt," Stoltz said, "much less that amount."
More from MSN Money
And, finally:
Stick to your guns. Psychologists will tell you that anytime you change a behavior, members of your family may try to get you to revert to your old ways so that the comfortable status quo can be preserved. You can imagine how much more emphatic your kids' efforts may be if the change means they wind up with less money.
They might not appreciate it now, but remember that your efforts to make them financially self-sufficient could ultimately result in happier, less resentful and more empowered kids.
Saying no "is the hardest thing to do -- it's a loss for both parent and child," Cole said. But the alternative can be grim.
"I see in my patients so many parents," she said, "who just love the life right out of their kids."
Published April 21, 2008
< previous | 1 | 2 |
Rate this Article
High