2. Split the work fairly
It dates to Neolithic times, no doubt, but we tend to value those who come home with a big side of bison more than those who spent their day tending hearth and cave.In my own relationship, I've found that it helps to behave as if both parties are earning an income, under the assumption that the labor-force role and the at-home role are equally valuable -- because they are.
In fact, Salary.com does an annual survey of what a stay-at-home parent's labor is worth, in terms of the number of hours they work and the skills they provide (cook, chauffeur, soccer coach, psychologist, etc.). For 2009, that work is equivalent to a job with an annual salary of $122,732, the Web site says. You can plug your own duties into the salary wizard to see the dollar value of the work.
Renegotiating the household chores seems small and perfectly reasonable, but it can be hairy. My husband and I had one big, very short fight -- and a thousand small discussions -- about who should do laundry, shopping and cleaning when I was basically the sole provider.
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Hiring outside help would have been ideal, but most of us don't have that luxury. He ended up doing most household chores, but it wasn't like I kicked back every night with a brandy either. I did my share.
(Note: The traditional expectations are different for guys, unfortunately. Now that he's working more, guess who's doing more dishes, child care and vacuuming?)
When you renegotiate domestic roles, you really have to toss tradition out the window and respect your partner's contribution -- even if it's not on your terms. That's what Lynne (a pseudonym), a real-estate developer in Los Angeles, found when her husband took an early retirement three years ago, when their children were 9 and 11.
"The hardest thing for me was learning to keep my mouth shut, not asking him how he was spending every hour of his day," says Lynne, who didn't want her real name used. "He is not my nanny; he is not my maid. I can't give him some big to-do list.
"I learned that if the dishes didn't get done after breakfast, they'd get done eventually. And if the kids ate pizza five nights in a row, well, there are more important things to worry about."
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5 financial rules for shacking upMaybe it's love or maybe it's a way to save on rent, but before any keys are copied, talk about the relationship, your money and who will pay for what.
3. Manage your money
If you earn the lioness's share of the income, it's up to you to make certain that the bases are covered, as I wrote in "Secret lives of breadwinner wives," my first take on the subject a couple of years ago.Although I felt strongly that a mutually agreeable money management system was important then, having interviewed more breadwinner wives, I now think it's essential.
Basic money management is tough for most couples, and the issue often gets more fraught when the woman is earning more. But don't let that become an excuse for treating the household finances as a hot potato.
Ann believes that being financially open is a tonic. "It alleviates anxiety and stops you from blowing things out of proportion, especially when you're the breadwinner and feel like you're supposed to do everything."
Published July 1, 2009
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