Note: I'm experimenting with three short topics this week -- more bang for your buck. Let me know what you think.
What do they expect?
"My mother just zinged me yet again," wrote NancyinFL on the Women in Red message board. "It seems that because DH and I live a lifestyle that is careful, frugal and paid-off, we 'owe' my brothers' kids gifts; we 'owe' it to other family members to go and visit, and when we 'fail,' my brothers call her and complain."They all seem to think I should spend because I can," she added.
Nancy's post provoked responses from dozens of other WIRs who are fed up with being treated like the local ATM by family members who either expect gifts (the biggest gripe) or who need the occasional bailout.
"No one on my side of the family talks to me anymore because I finally said 'No more' -- to thousands of dollars a year flowing from my bank account to theirs," wrote another WIR member.
And another: "We get targeted also," a reader said, describing how her mother-in-law expected her to let a struggling relative and his wife live in a property she owns, for less than market rent. "Since when do I have to bust my butt for someone else's benefit -- especially when that someone feels like they only need to work 25 hours a week!"
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I know what it's like, too, when a family member is in financial straits. I'm helping a relative now, with $50 to $100 here and there, when I can. It's voluntary on my part; I was asked directly only once, for help with a car problem. It may not be smart (will my "supplements" create further dependence?) but I continue out of . . . guilt? . . . sympathy? . . . fear of them suffering if I don't help? Answer: all of the above.
What's outrageous is when a) the request is a demand, an expectation -- e.g., "You have more money, so you should share it" -- and b) that expectation threatens your own financial stability.
Whose fault is it when relatives expect a handout? Mine. Yours. It's your responsibility to communicate what you are and aren't willing to do. No one can make you wear a "Ms. Moneybags" label.
- Join the conversation: Do your relatives expect help?
The 10 p.m. retirement talk
My husband and I started saving for retirement rather late in our lives -- about 10 minutes ago -- so we were way behind even before the recession hit.And although we've become an Olympic-caliber team around daily budgeting, we haven't confronted the retirement monster in any depth since we joined our IRAs in wedded bliss.
So my worry about the depleted state of our nest egg forced me to have that Big Talk with my husband recently. My goal was to get him to take seriously the need to save more aggressively -- and inspire myself as well. (As the Women in Red know, there's no kick in the pants like camaraderie!)
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De-stress your financesWith so much turmoil in the global economy, worrying about money is understandable. MP Dunleavey explores how you can get a grip on your financial emotions and relax a bit.
Unfortunately, introducing the topic of our almost-empty nest egg at 10 p.m. was not a genius move. The cardinal rule of productive money talks is to schedule a time when you're both alert, not exhausted from work and running after a 3-year-old.
So I had to compensate for my poor timing with stealth and creativity.
We started by talking about our visions for our future, and what we thought our peers and family members were planning for their retirements. (Hint: Starting with the vision is always smart because it's more fun to talk about a move to Hawaii than mutual fund returns.)
Then, because "Honey, we need to save more" makes me sound panicky (and gets him defensive), I took a more roundabout route.
Continued: Examining our retirement needs
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