The bridesmaid's survival guide

By MP Dunleavey

All my life I dreamed of being a bridesmaid. From the time I could say "taffeta," I longed to share in the womanly tradition of being forced to dye shoes a bizarre shade of green and tell gritty war stories about the puffy dresses I survived.

Alas, one by one, all my girlfriends either eloped or opted for small ceremonies without any attendants. I am, dear reader, the only woman you know who has never been a bridesmaid, not once!

For years, this was a source of shame and sadness -- until I found out what bridesmaids suffer financially (never mind sartorially).

Trickle-down wedding costs

Every year, there's a new industry survey about the rising cost of weddings, and this year was no exception. In May, the Fairchild Bridal Group released a survey of 1,000 brides, which found that the average wedding cost in America had nudged up to just over $26,000 -- a 73% increase over the last 15 years.

What gets less attention is how that lavish nuptial vision trickles down to guests and especially attendants. According to wedding site TheKnot.com, bridesmaids can pay as much as $1,400 per wedding.

This may be the happiest day of the bride's life -- but does it have to be the most expensive day of yours? For many bridesmaids it can be, because tradition and expectation have merged into a giant snowball of expenses.

One reader named Becky reports that she is in her first wedding as a bridesmaid this summer, "and this first experience was a shocker!" Thus far, her grand total is likely to surpass $1,000. Here's the breakdown:

Dress: $210

Alterations: $75

Shoes: $25

Strapless bra: $40

Hair, nails, makeup: $150, including tips

Gas for travel: $75 per trip x 4 trips = $300

Two shower gifts: $35 each

Contribution to shower: $30

Bachelorette party: $75 -- $100 (estimated)

Wedding present: $100 (estimated)

Why expenses climb so high

In some ways, Becky is getting off lightly, despite the overpriced undergarment (another nuptial hazard). She's not attending a "destination wedding" that requires plane tickets and hotel rooms. And she's not doing a "spa day" with the bride on the morning of the wedding -- another increasingly popular and pricey bridal request.

Was being a bridesmaid always such a big financial commitment? Not according to etiquette expert Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette," 5^th edition, who says that a bride's and groom's expectations for the Big Day have spilled over into a plethora of "traditions" that didn't used to exist.

A bridal shower, for example, "used to be a small, intimate gathering of friends," says Post. These days some brides might expect two or three showers, plus a bachelorette party and possibly a spa outing.

But bridesmaids are not obligated to participate in or pay for any of these activities, notes Post. "There is no requirement that a bridesmaid host a shower -- or a bachelorette party," says Post. Brides who expect or even insist on these gestures "cross a line."

Negotiating with Bridezilla

Experiences reported on the Women in Red message board were mixed. A number of women said they (or brides they knew) went out of their way to keep costs down for their attendants.

(One reader with the moniker SDG0282 said she bought her bridesmaids their dresses at the JCPenney after-Easter sale for $20 -- and even found their shoes at a discount store for $15 a pair.)

But quite a few said they were still recovering from run-ins with "Bridezilla" -- and the accompanying hit to their wallets. One woman was still fuming not only about the hundreds she shelled out for the shower, her dress and assorted gifts -- but the ridiculous $60 "up-do" hairstyle the bride insisted on.

Given the stakes involved, I was surprised that few women felt they had any right to speak up about financial pressures, let alone negotiate with the bride.

Peggy Post disagrees. She advocates a polite (of course) but forthright approach to money matters -- because it will only make you miserable to pretend that it doesn't matter. Here's how:

Scope the scene. The first step is to gauge what sort of celebration the happy couple has in mind. A weekend at the Four Seasons will put very different financial pressures on you, the bridesmaid, than a barbecue. "Can you let me know when you're getting married and where it's going to be?" is a tactful way to inquire.

Voice your concerns. Many brides have a rosy vision of their Perfect Day, but Post says it may be possible to negotiate certain concessions ("It's easier if you're a close friend or sister," she adds). Few brides will compromise on their desired location, but they might scale back on the cost of your dress or their own hope to have a wild bachelorette weekend in Vegas.

Be honest. "Instead of fretting and being resentful, it's important to carefully and calmly speak up if you really have to," Post says. For example, if you're in school, just had a baby, or were recently laid off, it's appropriate to explain your financial straits: "I'd love to be in your wedding, but I can only afford X for the dress." This gives the bride an opportunity to offer help or some other solution.

Don't overextend yourself. Many attendants feel they must give a gift for every shower, plus a wedding gift more or less equal to what the married couple might have spent for each guest. This is a myth, says Post, who advocates a much more financially sensible approach: "Give a gift based on what you can afford and your relationship to the couple," she emphasizes.

Shower gifts can be small; giving a larger gift as part of a group is fine. If you're invited to more than one shower, you needn't bring a gift to the second or third. And if you're invited to a shower you can't attend, "There's no need to send a gift," Post says.

Advice from the veterans

Still, if you accept the honor to stand up at a friend's wedding, the fact is that the expenses have a way of rising. Here's some sage advice about how to keep that sticker shock under control.

First I'll give the floor to a reader who goes by CleoDogo, clearly a veteran of more weddings than you or I could ever imagine, judging by her savvy suggestions:

• Measure yourself before ordering the dress. "Most stores overestimate to ensure that you need alterations," she asserts.

• Ask if you can rent the bridesmaid dress in question, rather than buying it.

• Beg the bride to pick a dress with sleeves rather than a strapless one, otherwise "those stupid shawls that they want to sell you can be an extra $100 or more!"

• "Carpool, carpool, carpool!"

Other readers had equally smart ways to keep expenses down:

• About to attend her eighth wedding, Soxkat decided to save money by bowing out of some events, including most of the bachelorette party and some manicure/pedicure treatments. "I feel slightly guilty, but I have to remember no one is going to fund my retirement but me."

• "Do something personal and heartfelt for a gift, like making a slide show out of old photos," suggests ABF. "Or offer to pet sit while the couple is on their honeymoon." Post agrees that you're not required to get a gift from the registry, and ABF adds: "There are a lot of different ways to be creative in how to give your time and energy to loved ones who are getting married without going into debt."

• Gravy710 says that even if the bride has her eye on a designer dress, "I found out that you can get just about any bridesmaid dress out there for up to 40% off retail from PearlsPlace.com." (She promises they aren't paying her to say that.)

• Several readers pointed out that you should weigh your relationship to the bride before saying yes. While you want to stand up for a good friend or relative -- there's nothing wrong with declining the honor from a less intimate connection, like a co-worker or Christmas-card college pal.

No matter what your financial circumstances are, or what choices you decided to make, Post advises all bridesmaids to express their thanks to the bride for the honor of asking them to participate. Ultimately, this isn't only about money.

As Becky put it: "Total cost for being a bridesmaid: $1,000. Standing next to your best friend while she marries the man of her dreams: Priceless."