The 12 biggest reasons we fight over finances

Post-Holiday Pugilism: He: Did you really spend $200 on Dad's cashmere sweater? She: Me?You bought that deluxe CD set for your sister! The Visa bill has landed and those holiday spending blunders have come back to haunt you like the Ghost of Christmas Past. So you take it out on each other. Always a healthy choice.

Control

Dribbling Deficits: The culprit in this case is not the ark or the drum set, it's the steady drip, drip, drip of spending on little purchases that no one tracks. You hit the ATM on Friday and end up broke on Monday with NO idea where the money went. An absence of facts rarely prevents couples from making accusations, however.

What, Me Retire?: The world can be divided into those who believe in saving for retirement and those who believe in the Retirement Fairy. If you're married to the latter type, it can be difficult to imagine your future together. As one 401k'd friend of mine noted, after admitting that she tends to "boil over" at her husband's lack of future planning: "You're afraid your spouse is going to end up on a park bench."

Blame it on the Boss: Are you the boss? Why are you asking me about how we're going to pay for roof repair, if you're the boss? You're the one who pays all the bills and does all those spreadsheets. No, I'm not bitter. I don't feel disempowered. What do you mean you never asked to be in charge?! You TOOK charge. Did so.

Software Mistake: One of you is fanatically devoted to all the lovely budget and planning tools in your Microsoft Money or Quicken program. At the end of each month you have a terrific round of mutual recrimination because, sadly, you now know exactly where the money went.

Family

The Kost of Kids: Nanny vs. day care; maternity leave vs. staying home; start the college fund now or later. When you're expecting or already have a brood, the choices -- and arguments -- are endless.

The Parent Trap: You've taken on the same financial role that your mother or father once played, but your partner doesn't seem to know his or her role in the drama and isn't ready to surrender the checkbook -- or commandeer it -- according to the unconscious script you're expecting the two of you to follow.

Out with the In-Laws: In the first five minutes of any visit, your in-laws will manage to push at least one of your big financial buttons. ("The house is so much smaller than it looked in the photo, especially given what you paid.") Ten minutes later, you're growling at each other.

For couples: 8 tips on how to talk about money

Fighting about money is as old as money itself, arising partly out of philosophical differences and partly from habits so old you forgot you had them. But now, at least, you can see all the ways they feed into those arguments you're not having.

Here's how:

• Take a hike. Or a walk. "Men don't like to open up about this," notes Lavine, "so having the discussion while you're relaxed, out in the fresh air, will help."

• 'Fess up. Start by telling your partner what your own family's attitudes and behaviors toward money were. (Hint: If you haven't spent much time mulling over your family's financial dynamics, do that first.)

• Be humble. "Never assume your way is the right way," Liberman and Lavine advise. Listen to what your partner says and take it in. Their outlook may differ wildly from yours, but they hold their views as dearly as you hold yours, so be respectful, even if you disagree.
  

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• Establish common goals. Liberman and Lavine say that the worst fights couples have boil down to the fact that they haven't planned their Big Picture goals yet. "You need to think about the various milestones in your life that will require money -- having kids, buying a house, caring for a parent -- and discuss them."

• Quantify your goals. Steinmetz, the financial planner, says that once you've established even a small goal, like saving for a vacation, start to work toward it together. One couple she knows has a date every Saturday where they deposit a fixed amount into their Saving-for-a-House account. "The feeling of success will be a new financial bond between you," she says.

• Get help. Talking to a financial planner together can help ease money tension, since it's easier to address tough issues with an objective party. Or take a financial seminar together.

• Don't lay blame, take action. Let's say your partner is in debt. Rather that fight about it (Hello: Arguing won't reduce that monthly payment!), force yourselves to focus on a game plan. Taking steps to address the problem will remind you that you are, and always will be, a financial team.

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• If at first you don't succeed. . . . Talking about money is hard, much harder than fighting. So if it takes a while to replace debates with discussions, don't sweat it. "Even if you do it wrong, it's better to communicate than to not say anything," agree Liberman and Lavine. Make it your new motto: Stop fightin'; keep talkin'.

Updated Dec. 4, 2009

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