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When I started doing research for this column, asking what sorts of money fights people have, every single couple said the same thing: "Well, we don't really fight about money."
Right, right, right, I'd have to say, backing away from the inferno of lies. "But we all have the occasional teensy squabble, right?"
Even then people were hesitant. "Well . . . maybe," they'd say.
One woman described how her husband took away her credit card one day. Not that they fought about it. Nah.
Or take another couple I know. I was at their house recently when the husband came home from work with a new drum set. He hadn't planned to drop $500 on drums that day, he explained as he unloaded the car. He just saw a classified ad and thought, why not?
Although his wife appeared calm while I was there, she told me later that they had a long "discussion" about the fact that they had agreed to save money to buy a house -- never mind their long-planned trip to Europe this summer -- and why the !@#$% did he have to buy a drum set NOW?
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
"It's a fairly common fight, and it usually happens because the two people involved aren't on the same page," says Barbara Steinmetz, a financial planner in Burlingame, Calif. "One person thinks they have a shared goal of saving for a house, car or retirement, and the other doesn't."
In fact, most fights occur not because of the amount of money spent but because of unspoken expectations that couples have and are often afraid to talk about. Sometimes it's clashing styles, sometimes mismatched agendas, but people get so rooted in their own money views that they can't see that their partner simply has a different perspective. (See the end of this column for more solutions.)
Steinmetz described one couple she advised who had this blind spot. The husband first outlined his goals for investing, retirement savings, etc. Steinmetz then asked the wife about her goals. "The husband was shocked to find out his wife had goals -- and they were different from his!" she says.
So if you're like most of the couples I interviewed who never really fight about money, here's a primer on the most common sources of financial friction. I know you don't need to resolve any arguments. If some of them sound familiar, don't worry. They're just talking points, for a future "discussion."
Although there are hundreds of variations, all of them can be traced back to the three main sources of money conflict: Communication, Control and Family.
Communication
The Big Spender: First described in the biblical story of Noah, who developed a sudden infatuation with large boats and exotic animals (which was vexing unto his wife), this age-old fight revolves around a simple, unresolvable dispute: One person wants to spend; the other doesn't, and neither can convince the other to see it his way. When spender meets saver, sparks fly, and sooner or later, somebody explodes.The Done Deal: A variation of the Big Spender fight, this is when one person opens the credit-card bill and -- surprise! -- sees the tab for the drum set, the new suit or the night your mate took the entire office out for drinks. The fantasy here is that because it's a fait accompli your better half will let it go. Oh, but they don't.
Jones Envy: People in their 40s who still like to compare SAT scores are most vulnerable to this one. It starts when the neighbors acquire a fancy new ski boat. You simply MUST have one, but your more practical-minded spouse fails to see this as an "emergency spending priority." Do you listen? Apparently not.
Dowry of Debt: So when you were preparing to get married you never found the right time to disclose that you had a few debts. From, uh, law school, which you never quite finished. Or attended. You kinda forgot to mention the Nordstrom card and the maxed-out Visa, because . . . you're going to pay them off really, really soon. This is really, really unlikely.
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