Looking for love, and money, online

In her experience working with PerfectMatch.com, Schwartz says that "the same guy can describe himself as earning $50,000 or $150,000, and there will be a lot more interest in the $150,000."

But that's only one part of a person's financial puzzle. "You need to find out someone's financial philosophy," Schwartz says. "Do they save or do they spend? What about when Grandma gets sick? How do you feel about me giving money to the kids from my first marriage?"

Know what you want

Jill, a former member of the Women in Red who recently started dating using eHarmony.com, says you can't afford to be fuzzy about your financial expectations in a relationship.

Newly single after a breakup, Jill is 36, earns about $100,000 a year, owns her own home and is pragmatic about looking for a mate who can share her lifestyle. "I know myself; I know the way I want to live my life. And someone who earns $40,000 or $50,000 isn't going to satisfy the lifestyle I want."

She's not looking for a mate who can provide that lifestyle for her, which includes enjoying big-city life, traveling and planning for a secure future. "I have that now, on my own."

But Jill doesn't want to foot the bill for someone else. "I bring a lot to the table," she says, "I'm not doing anything less than I'm asking from someone else."

Marriage, she feels, "is being a team. Sometimes one person has to pull the sled for a while, and I'm OK with that, but I need to know the ability is there on both sides."

Who will pick up the tab?

Carole, 40, a founding member of the Women in Red who will soon graduate from our little group now that she's achieved her primary goal and bought an apartment, is more conflicted than Jill.

She also earns a six-figure salary but, unlike Jill she has dated men from a much lower income bracket. Her last boyfriend was an artist and a part-time teacher who lived very modestly -- and that was fine with Carole. Sort of.

"At some point it became clear when we went out that I was expected to pay," Carole says. "Of course, I had way more money, so I understood that. But I still had these pangs of, 'Wow, this is expected.' "

These days Carole feels torn about what sorts of financial expectations to bring to the romantic table, and she's unsure how she would approach online dating. "I wouldn't want to go back to dating someone with a much lower income. I think you need to find someone who is in your financial realm. I mean, if you fall in love, what can you do? But I wouldn't seek it out."

Keep money in mind

Like many women who are fiscally fit, seeking same, Sharon Alderson and Jill believe that you have to be money-smart when decoding someone's financial cues, online or off.

Here are some tips:

• Read between the lines. "Even before you meet, you can ask certain questions on e-mail to determine what someone's financial values are," Jill says. By mentioning your lifestyle and asking about his, you can learn a lot about someone's financial life, she says. "If a guy mentions going to happy hour at a dive bar or doesn't really go on vacation, that tells you something."

• Be upfront about your own financial values. All dating Web sites allow you to express your goals and desires for your relationship. Don't stick to walks along the beach, advises Alderson. Be forthright enough to say what your financial standards are. "A lot of people won't like that," she concedes. "But you need to be able to talk about it."

• Play the odds. If someone lists a profession that tends not to be high-earning or lives in an area you know to be on the lower end of the income spectrum, Jill advises ruling them out. "It's a snap judgment, I know," she says. "And could I be wrong about that person? Yes. But if some guy tells me he lives in a certain area, I'm going to close him out. I'm willing to take the risk that I'm making a mistake."

• Don't ignore financial red flags. When Alderson met her most recent boyfriend, he was changing jobs, "and instead of rolling over his retirement account, he cashed it out!" She was shocked but pushed it aside because it wasn't her business. Now Alderson wishes she had paid more attention to that early warning sign of his poor financial judgment. "It was a real eye-opener."

Published Feb. 21, 2007

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