Financial infidelity is rampant

Lies may signal significant problems in the relationship. In the Harris poll, people who said they were happy in their relationships were far less likely to have lied or been lied to than those who were less happy. Nearly half of those who said they were "not satisfied" said they had lied or been lied to; only one in five of the "very satisfied" crew reported that they or their partner had been untruthful.

Do the lies cause the unhappiness, or the unhappiness the lies? The poll doesn't say; all that's clear is that lying can be an indicator of trouble.

Also, financial infidelity often accompanies sexual infidelity, notes Ruth Houston, author of "Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs." A cheating spouse often hides spending on a lover, and may hide assets in anticipation of divorce.

Lies can prevent couples from getting on the same page. Many times, McCurdy said, couples have settled into potentially destructive, black-and-white attitudes about their partners. People who are natural savers can see their freer-spending spouses as childish and irresponsible, while the spender spouse may view the saver as a miser and a kill-joy.

In these cases, she said, both spouses need to work hard to understand their partners' perspective and be willing to make compromises. The spender may need to curb the shopping trips, but the saver may have to loosen up the purse strings.

The PlayStation lie, for example, resulted in a long talk that helped marriedone realize the couple needed a little more flexibility in its budget. From her husband's perspective, using all their money for joint goals didn't leave room for the fact that they were individuals, with different wants and needs. "To him … I wasn't respecting he was still his own person, in addition to being a partner," marriedone wrote.

"He didn't excuse away the lying or blame it on anyone, he accepted his deceit," she wrote. "After that we started getting an allowance and (have) done it ever since!"

Talking about these issues, rather than trying to avoid them with lies, can help a couple work out their differences and create a plan that gives both what they need, McCurdy said. The saver can still be assured that the family is building financial security, while the spender doesn't have to delay all gratification.

"Remember goal setting, the common family goals, can be accomplished together," McCurdy said, "with a little family planning and discussion."

• Talk back: Is your mate cheating on you financially?

Little lies tend to lead to bigger ones. When deception has snowballed into serious debt, professional help might be needed, Kopit said. A financial planner and a couple's therapist may need to be called in to help straighten out both the money mess and the behavior that led to it.

How we handle bank accounts
All bank accounts are combined	50%	All bank accounts separate	18%
Some accounts separate	29%	No bank accounts	3%

Source: HarrisInteractive

Separate accounts hide many sins

People who try to conceal big debts may feel like they can solve the problem before their significant other finds out, lawyers.com's Kopit said, but they're usually wrong. The money problems that led to the debt in the first place rarely get fixed as long as the debtor hides the problem -- and often the bills snowball until the debtor can no longer keep up.

"The judgment day will arrive," Kopit said. "It's going to happen."

The first step, he said, is to "'fess up" to the problem. Then work jointly to fix it. The confession probably will be painful, as will the spending changes needed to pay off the debt.

But concealing problems, financial or otherwise, is no way to solve them.

"Your mother and dad told you to tell the truth," Kopit said, "and that was good advice."

Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston’s award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board.

Updated June 2, 2009

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