Can you stop a money train wreck?

Like Mikey02, poster "reluctant buyer" is worried her parents will come knocking on her door now that she's discovered they have nothing saved for retirement and have drained the equity in their home.

"Every time that I (bring up) wanting them to prepare themselves better, they say something like 'Don't worry, there won't be anything left,'" reluctant buyer wrote, as if she were inquiring about an inheritance. Her reply: "Well, I'm not buying a large enough house for you to live with me."

The in-laws of "Zen2112" have been more direct. In their mid-50s and still living paycheck to paycheck, the in-laws "make comments like, 'you'll take care of us in our old age,'" Zen2112 wrote. She and her husband worry that "they will force (us) to make the choice between them or our paying for college for our kids" -- a goal the couple have "scrimped, saved and penny pinched" to achieve.

If you feel like you're going to be on the hook, first read "Should you bail out spendthrift parents?" and "Survive the parent/kid squeeze." That will give you a clearer idea of the issues so that you can:

Set your own boundaries. Obligations can bring resentments, particularly if you're worried that your relative's neediness will wreck your finances, too.

Fight the fear by deciding in advance what kind of help you're willing to offer and how much. Setting your own boundaries can help you be calmer about the situation. Then read "How to say no to anything -- or anyone" for tips on how to stick to those boundaries despite counterarguments, pleas and whining.

Locate a professional to help, or at least a neutral third party. Let's face it, your relatives and friends don't want to hear you tell them how to run their lives. So find a financial planner, legitimate credit counselor, mortgage counselor or bankruptcy attorney who can dispense the information they need without judgment, power struggles or years of dysfunctional history tainting the message.

The Garrett Planning Network offers referrals to fee-only financial planners who charge by the hour. You can find legitimate credit and housing counselors through the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. Your local bar association offers referrals to bankruptcy attorneys.

Have a conversation rather than a confrontation. Once you are clear on your obligations, have set your boundaries and have found someone to help, be on the lookout for a time when everyone's relaxed and feeling good.

Start off the conversation by sharing your own experience, financial planner Collins said, or mention something that's been in the news.

If you're concerned about a family member's ability to pay the mortgage, for example, you could say that you've been reading about how many people are finding help through certified housing counselors and that you have contact information if they'd like it.

Or if it's your parents' retirement savings that have you worried, mention that you've been reviewing your own financial plan and have found someone who might be able to help them with theirs.

If you think your relatives or friends are expecting help you can't or won't give, you may want to mention that now, in the most neutral way you can possibly deliver the information. Use the technique from "How to say no to anything -- or anyone" of asking how you can help them help themselves.

Once you've had this conversation, it's time to drop the topic. What the other person does next is up to him or her.

As poster "NB2" put it: "Sometimes they have to hit bottom a few times before they learn and decide for themselves to make changes. I've had to watch several relatives become frustrated trying to talk sense into another family member who will not listen and does not want the advice. Hopefully, they will decide to change on their own one day."

Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston’s award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board.

Updated June 2, 2009

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