9 ways to rein in a spendthrift spouse

By Liz Pulliam Weston

If you're concerned about an overspending spouse, you don't need to hear any more clichés about how money problems are a leading cause of marital unhappiness. You're living proof.

What you may not know is that there are plenty of practical, field-tested ways of finding money harmony with your significant other.

Alison, 31, a geographer from Washington, D.C., discovered many of these methods after meeting her fiancé, Chris, four years earlier.

"I was afraid that after we got married I would be the one always pulling back on the reins to keep him from galloping off on a spending spree," Alison said. "Now I feel completely secure, and I know that we will check with each other before making any financial decision (or purchase over $100)."

Here's how such transformations happen:

Ditch the negativity

You may have even heard that, without similar financial values, your union is doomed. Fortunately, that's nonsense.

Few people have exactly the same attitudes and habits about money. In almost every relationship, there's some conflict over finances. The successful couples are the ones who figure out how to deal with these issues and come up with solutions, together.

Andrew Brown of Seattle said he and his fiancée were big spenders until a job loss put their finances in a tailspin. Brown, 23, changed his habits first. Then, he got his girlfriend on board.

"We have gone from being out-of-control spenders to paying off a massive amount of debt to being debt-free and actually saving," Brown said.

Adjust your attitude

If you're a saver, you probably take some well-deserved pride in your approach to finances. But if that translates into an "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude with your partner, you've lost before you've even begun.

Alison says she almost blew it with her fiancé when she discovered he typically paid the minimum on his loans. That included sizable student loans as well as an inexpensive suit on which he was still making payments three years later. She blurted out, "How could someone so smart be so stupid about money?!"

---

Message Board

This article raises some interesting questions about relationships, money secrets, power struggles, independence and our feelings about all of them. Does anyone have experiences with these issues they can share? Join the discussion here.

---

Your overspending partner is already on the defensive. He may not understand as well as you do how money works, and that ignorance can make him feel threatened. Money also equates to power and freedom, and your plans to cut back may make him feel trapped.

In fact, people with different spending attitudes tend to "polarize" when they become a couple, says therapist Olivia Mellan, author of "Overcoming Overspending: A Winning Plan for Spenders and Their Partners." As the bank balance drops, the saver becomes more frugal, which tends to drive the spender into a panic of more spending. And that prompts the saver to clamp down even more.

This dynamic can take over even if both of you started out as spenders. As one grows more concerned about finances and tries to cut back, the other rebels with more spending.

Breaking the cycle requires compromise -- essential to any relationship. Spenders will need to apply some brakes, but savers probably will end up spending more than they otherwise might and perhaps on different priorities than when they were single.

Watch your words

Ask a spender: the words "budget," "spending plan" and "save" actually mean "sacrifice," "deprivation" and "death."

 1 | 2 | next >