5 steps to wedded wallets

"What do you mean by 'affluent'?" I asked in astonishment. "I want to live comfortably," I admitted, as I unpacked a few things I'd picked up at the Banana Republic post-holiday sales.

"What's 'comfortable'?" he countered.

Well. I was just about to accuse him of splitting hairs, when I realized we were at the crux of our money differences. How DID we want to live, in fact? Was it possible to not only merge our finances, but to marry our very different ideas of what constituted a "comfortable" way of life?

Again, it doesn't serve to be divisive, blaming, judgmental or high-and-mighty during money talks. (See the end of this column for other smart tips on how and when to talk money with a partner.) So we invoked team spirit -- and called a timeout.

When we returned to the field, we were able to see -- to our relief -- that our notions of a reasonable lifestyle were not irreconcilable. Yes, yes, I want more things, more vacations, cuter curtains, a better stereo and a Subaru.

But there was some overlap. He also wants more vacations, a better stereo and a nicer (used) car. More importantly, we both agreed that we need more financial security in terms of an emergency fund, better health insurance and freedom from debt. Phew.

Step 5: Let your PC do all the work

With the lifestyle conversation behind us, we were finally ready to work with a spending plan (which we use instead of the dreaded "budget" word).

We decided to use the "60% solution," mainly because I knew this planning stage was largely up to me. I've already been working with it, and it doesn't give me brain spasms.

So the next step was introducing software into our financial lives. I've tried the paper-and-pencil-and-calculator method; I've tried Quicken; I've tried Money from my employer. Whatever method you choose, let it be electronic.

I can't imagine trying to monitor one person's financial life, let alone two, without the use of a computer.

Software lets you categorize your expenses and then track what you're spending in each category. MoneyPlus downloads transactions from your bank and shows you a cute, color-coded pie chart, which I'm addicted to. We had "Essentials" (rent, utilities, phone, food), "Extras" (gifts, entertainment, travel, etc.) and a few other subcategories that we wanted to keep an eye on (dining out, groceries, clothing, ATM withdrawals).

I say "we" loosely. I was sure Mr. Laidback was not up for a software conversion. And boy, did I underestimate the male tech gene. Two days before I wrote this column I hesitantly showed him our transactions online (until then, I'd been reporting on our spending -- and our ridiculous use of ATMs -- verbally).

"WOW!" he said, practically falling over at the sight of the all-revealing MoneyPlus pie chart. "THAT IS SO COOL."

"Were you kidnapped by aliens?" I asked in amazement.

"Why didn't you show me this before? Wow, hey look, you can track all our expenses!"

I tried to get Mr. Let's Not Talk About Money to lie down and recover himself, but he wanted to add new categories, analyze how much we were spending on clothes versus wine versus dining out, and by the way, where was all that cash going from the ATM withdrawals?

Our working budget

It took about 10 weeks, many arguments and lots of compromise, but my husband and I have a financial system that works. It's not perfect; we're still figuring out how to streamline it; but Rome wasn't built in a day. The point is we agree on the fundamental financials of our lives -- and we're committed to working toward those goals. And not killing each other in the process.

To that end, both of us have agreed to bring in a little extra money (since our jobs have some flexibility that way), put some more muscle into paying off debt, and although we're not yet saving the 10% of our gross for retirement that we should be, we're trying. And as long as I can rein in my frivolous spending (as the ATM culprit), I'm confident we'll get there.

And finally…

Want to talk to your mate about money?

Here are some Do's, Don'ts and Musts that I've learned:

• DON'T discuss money before bedtime. You'll be up until 3 a.m.

• DO listen to the other person's ideas, solutions and assumptions; they will almost certainly surprise you.

• DON'T discuss money shortly before or during any meal.

• ALWAYS ask your mate about his or her financial upbringing -- and be willing to explore your own. Our financial attitudes often come from our families.

• DON'T discuss anything even remotely financial around any inebriating substances.

• ALWAYS remember that you are a team and behave accordingly.

• NEVER assume your way is the right way.

• ONLY talk about money on Sundays between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m.

• AVOID labels (e.g. "yuppie", "materialist", "irresponsible so-and-so"); describe the behavior you want to discuss rather than name-calling.

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