5 steps to wedded wallets

By MP Dunleavey

They say that money fights are the leading cause of divorce, and ever since I decided to merge finances with my new husband, I totally believe it.

We aren't the squabbling types. In fact, we tend to agree on most topics. So it was a shock to discover that my husband and I actually live on different financial planets. In separate galaxies. Light years apart. With no known way of communicating.

If I could capture our financial archetypes, I would be the Schizophrenic Spender-Saver Obsessive-Worrier type. He would be the Laid-Back, Do-We-Really-Have-to-Talk-About-Money type. They are not compatible.

Everyone needs a system

But the fact is, compatible or not, every couple has to find a way to financially co-exist.

You two can keep every dime separate, or merge it all into one big pile. You can obsess together or avoid the whole financial picture together. But you have to find a system that works for you. And for most couples that usually takes time, trial and error, and sometimes prescription drugs.

Or the advice of someone who has just gone through it, like me.

Step 1: Agree on a financial motivator

We decided to merge our finances because . . . my editor made me. And without that pressure it would have taken us another three years. That's the truth.

So I would advise all couples who are serious about achieving financial harmony to find some kind of guiding principle to force -- I mean, encourage you in that direction. Deciding to make a major life change, like moving, having a baby, switching jobs, or a major purchase (home, car, his & hers laptops) can be the financial north star that will keep you moving in the same direction.

Step 2: Become, like, a team

Carla and Jack are 40-something friends of mine who kept every dime separate for the first three years they were married. Carla was an Obsessive-Worrier type like me; Jack was of the Irritatingly Laid-Back persuasion. You'd think that keeping their finances separate would have been the ideal solution, but it wasn't. Obsessive-Worrier types are secretly controlling and need to know what's going on about money, while their Laid-Back spouses would rather go fishing.

Then they bought a house. "The house became our baby," says Carla. Being homeowners also provided enough financial common ground (and external pressure) to push them both to find a better way to financially co-exist.

Carla hit on it when she told Jack, "I want us to be on the same team (financially)." It changed everything.

And when I used this magical incantation on my own husband, it had a similar hypnotic effect. Nobody wants to be off the team. Everybody wants their team to win. It's drilled into the American psyche. Try the "T" word with your spouse and let me know what happens.

Step 3: Set priorities first, accounts later

Four out of five financial planners will tell you that an important first step toward financial harmony is to keep your separate accounts, so you have some autonomy, but then advise you to set up a joint account for shared goals and expenses.

My husband and I did this, setting up a joint checking and savings in addition to our individual accounts. I got all excited because I thought this meant we would agree about how we were saving and spending our money. Nuh-uh.

That's when I realized that a joint account does not put you in sync financially. What we needed were some short- and long-term goals.

Trying to set up a system without first creating goals is like building a bathroom without plumbing. It's a big mess. You need goals to direct the flow of your spending priorities.

So we agreed to:

• pay off our debt

• save money for vacation and a new car

• save more for retirement

• spend less on clothes (me) and Crate & Barrel (me) and random beauty products (me) and eating out (both of us)

It was only then that we were able to relax and start fighting about the next thing.

Step 4: Talk about your lifestyle

Lifestyle is a really sticky issue that nooooooo one likes to talk about. Couples blithely get married, assuming they both agree on what constitutes a comfortable, or reasonable, lifestyle. Hah.

The defining argument my husband and I had -- in fact, the dispute that finally helped us to clarify not only what goals we agreed on, but how we'd achieve them -- was the lifestyle fight.

"I think you want a more affluent lifestyle," he said one night.

(When I reported this to my girlfriends, they all nodded. Sure. And . . . )

Continued: Let your PC do the work

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