10 things dating sites won't tell you

6. 'Our guarantees are only guaranteed to keep you here'

According to the statistics for online dating success, you're just as likely to meet your perfect match while shopping for groceries. So how can sites such as Match.com and Yahoo Personals offer "guarantees" and six-month "promises"?

Because these assurances aren't about finding love. If you read the fine print, you'll see they're careful not to promise you'll meet that certain someone -- just that if you don't during your six-month subscription, you'll get more time to keep trying, on the house. You don't even have the option of a refund. (Match.com had no comment. Yahoo emphasized the success of its six-month program, adding that if subscribers want to quit, they have "the option of removing their profile.")

Dating sites do this because it's an easy, low-cost way to keep up traffic and a great marketing tool, says David Evans, an industry consultant. But some people who've done a stint in the online dating world have no desire to go back.

"I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it," says Match.com veteran Claire Berger, a Florida resident who recalls a litany of outdated photographs and interminable first dates that never led to anything.

7. 'Don't expect quick results'

You've signed up with a service, crafted your profile and even cleared your weekend. So you're all set to meet your match, right? Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

"You can't just throw up a profile and expect to go on a date," says Mark Brooks, an industry consultant for online dating services. The world of online dating has its own rhythms and rituals, which often take some time.

How to get things moving? For starters, say less in your profile. It sounds counterintuitive -- you want your potential dates to know you're an ardent heavy-metal fan, right? Not necessarily: One study found that the less specific a profile was, the more responses it got. "People tended to fill in the blanks with things they liked," says Frost, the social-sciences researcher.

Also, take advantage of sites that offer a chat feature. It's a more natural and faster way for two people to get to know each other than traded e-mails. Once you're ready to meet the person offline, most experts suggest doing it sooner rather than later. And keep that first date light. Get together for coffee or a beer -- in other words, something less committal than dinner. That way, if there's no connection, you can easily leave. "You're going to know by the second sip of your latte if there's something there," says Trish McDermott, the "VP of Love" at Engage.com.

8. 'Once you log in, you're pretty much on your own'

Not everyone who signs up for an online dating service has the same experience meeting their potential matches. According to experts, around one in 10 users is getting what's commonly expected -- that is, they're readily communicating with other members, toward the goal of dating in the real world -- but the majority aren't so lucky. That's because 10% of the people using the service are receiving 90% of the messages.

What gives? Some people could simply use more help than others, Brooks says, but good luck getting it from the dating service you're using. "Online dating sites' biggest flaw is they don't offer service of any kind," he says. Rather, most of them function more like a giant virtual bar or nightclub.

If you find yourself among the majority of users who aren't having the online dating experience they hoped for, one alternative is to try sites that feature community-based matchmaking, where friends and family can help you with your search. What makes these sites work is that they mirror real life, where "the community provides support and reality checks," Epstein says.

9. 'You might not need all these extras, but we do'

Despite its booming popularity and the widespread acceptance of Internet dating, the industry as a whole isn't exactly seeing tremendous profit growth these days. In fact, total revenue for the online dating industry was projected to reach $1.18 billion in 2008, less than a 1% increase from 2007, according to IBISWorld, a market research firm. Besides the overall dampening of consumer spending, the Internet dating market has simply become saturated, Brooks says.

That means online dating services have had to start getting creative. One way some sites are looking to bring in more income is by offering an array of cost-extra features, such as alerts that let you know when the e-mails you've sent have been opened, visually highlighted profiles in search results so that yours can stand out from the pack, even background checks on the subscriber of your choice. But do these sorts of extras really work? Anything that's going to help you stand out in search results is going to help you get dates, McDermott says. But, she adds, "technology is never going to solve all the problems people have with dating."

10. 'Good luck trying to break up with us'

If it seems like meeting someone online is difficult, just wait until you try to cancel your subscription. The most common complaint to the Better Business Bureau regarding online dating services is that they charge your credit card after you've canceled. There's even a class-action lawsuit pending in a federal court in northern Texas against True.com that alleges the company billed its former subscribers service fees after those subscribers attempted to cancel their subscriptions. (The company says it doesn't comment on continuing litigation.)

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What to do if you're being charged for an account you thought was canceled? Since the dating sites have little incentive to fix a profitable error, they might not be as responsive as you'd hope. If you're having trouble getting an Internet dating service to refund your money, contact your credit card company -- it may be willing to remove the charge.

A spokeswoman for American Express says that as far as her company is concerned, canceling an online dating account is like returning a sweater. "You tried it but changed your mind," she says.

This article was reported by Jason Kephart for SmartMoney.

Published April 14, 2009

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