10 things dating sites won't tell you

By SmartMoney

1. 'Keep your hopes high and your expectations low'

Once considered taboo, online dating is no longer a dirty little secret. In fact, dating sites now average more than 20 million unique visitors a month, according to comScore, an Internet data provider. With so many singles unabashedly searching for Mr. or Ms. Right online, it's taken away the stigma that Internet dating is a sign of desperation, says Lisa Clampitt, the president of VIP Life, a New York matchmaking service.

The promise of tapping a vast dating pool has people paying $30 to $60 a month to join top sites such as Match.com and Yahoo Personals or smaller, niche outfits like DateMyPet.com, where users upload photos of themselves with their pets. And for many, it works: About 2% of marriages in the U.S. today are the result of an eHarmony connection, at least according to a Harris Interactive survey commissioned by eHarmony.

But before you log on, here's a reality check: The odds aren't in your favor, social-sciences researcher Jeana Frost says.

"People respond to so many attributes that have to be experienced," she says. "You can't just find someone compatible by using a search button."

2. 'We've yet to meet 2 people who aren't a potential match'

Amanda Swanson, 28, of Massachusetts joined eHarmony, thinking she'd meet men who shared her interests. Despite the elaborate questionnaire, she says, eHarmony tried to set her up with a daredevil type who liked skydiving. "I would never do something like that," Swanson says. (An eHarmony spokesman says it's up to members to review and communicate with their assigned matches to determine whether the right chemistry exists.)

Some sites such as eHarmony and Chemistry.com use complex formulas to pair up their members. But critics say it's fuzzy math. These formulas are kept under wraps for competitive reasons, so outside experts aren't able to vet them. And while many people think these surveys will help them find a match, "no one knows if they actually work," says Robert Epstein, the author of the upcoming book "Making Love: How Couples Learn to Love and You Can Too." If you really want individualized matchmaking, experts say, then consider a personal matchmaker. They're more expensive, with services starting around $1,000, but they know their clients well and take responsibility for any mismatches.

3. 'Everyone's lying about something'

When Sophia Price of Tallahassee, Fla., met a man through Match.com who said he was a business owner, she expected him to look the part. She says she began to have doubts when he showed up on their date with holes in his clothes. But the bigger jolt came when a waitress recognized him and asked about his girlfriend.

Whether or not Price's date was being truthful, deception and courting have been going steady for a long time. So it's no surprise some online suitors stretch the truth to get a date. For example, some users lie about their age to show up in more search results, which is why there are eight times as many 29-year-old women than 30- to 34-year-old women on dating sites, according to a study by Epstein.

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But most lies in the online dating universe are pretty small, says Nicole Ellison, an assistant professor at Michigan State University. "People tend to describe their ideal self rather than how they really are," she says. That accounts for adding an extra inch to your height or saying you love to work out when you really haven't hit the gym in weeks. Bottom line: Keep an open mind, since setting your search fields too narrowly can eliminate a lot of possible matches, Ellison says.

4. 'We don't have as many members as it seems'

Many pay-to-play dating sites let you create a profile and peruse other subscribers for free, with the catch being that if you want to contact someone, you have to join.

Unfortunately, there's no way for members of a site to tell whether the profiles they're seeing belong to paid subscribers or to mere browsers who've posted a profile but haven't joined -- and thus aren't accessible. That means when you get no reply, you're left scratching your head: Was she not interested or just unable to respond to you? Either way, Epstein chalks it up to one of the basic hazards of Internet dating: "It's very easy to get hurt or be disappointed online."

So how many posted profiles at paid dating sites belong to active members? Experts say that, at best, subscriber services convert between 10% and 15% of browsers into members. That means 85% or more of the profiles at a subscriber site could belong to unreachable browsers. The problem is, there's no incentive for the sites to change, since the more profiles they list, the better they look. How to avoid the heartbreak? One way is to stick to free sites such as Plentyoffish.com or OKCupid, where every profile you see belongs to a member.

5. 'Fall in love too quickly and you could end up broke'

As if navigating between the white lies and the false starts of the online dating world weren't enough, you also have to be on the lookout for scams. Just like every Internet venture, online dating is full of folks looking to make a quick buck. These con artists "prey on people who fall for pretty faces on the Internet," says Brian Erickson, the director of operations at Mate1, an online dating service.

The romance scam is the most prevalent on dating sites and the hardest to stop, Erickson says. It happens when male members start getting messages from a too-attractive-to-be-true woman who says she's from a distant location­. The two will hit it off a little too quickly, then she'll want to come visit but needs a plane ticket or money for gas. The mark sends her the money -- and never hears from her again.

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When you click with someone online, "it's easy to say, 'Wow, this could turn into something,'" says Erickson, but if someone asks you for money, that should send up an immediate red flag. Another giveaway: When a profile says the person is local but you find out she's actually in Eastern Europe.

Continued: Empty promises

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