How to look out for parents 3,000 miles away

Get the paperwork in order

You'll probably need more information than you think if a crisis occurs, so start gathering information now.

• Get medical records. At a minimum, you need the names and phone numbers of your parent's doctors. A list of medical conditions and medications is also helpful, if your parents are willing to share that information.

• Discuss emergency finances. Some parents are comfortable adding an adult child to their checking accounts or giving online access to their accounts, which can help with bill paying. (If you're worried about estate and gift tax concerns, take heart. While adding a child to a house deed or other property can be seen as a gift for tax purposes, attorneys say, adding a child to a checking account is not considered a gift unless the child takes out money for his own use.)

• Arrange for legal documents. Your parent should have either a living trust or documents known as powers of attorney in case they're incapacitated. One power of attorney authorizes someone the parent chooses to make financial decisions, while the other authorizes a medical decision-maker. (See my article, "3 legal papers you shouldn't live without.")

Unfortunately, many financial institutions have their own power of attorney forms and balk at accepting any others. Many elder-law attorneys recommend their clients take the time to fill out such forms at each financial institution where they do business.

Either that, or the parents can have a lawyer draft a living trust, a legal document that can help avoid the hassles of probate after death as well as make it easier for someone to take over the parents' affairs if they're alive but incapacitated.

"A lot of financial institutions are more accepting of a living trust than of a power of attorney, even though there's not a good logical reason for why," said William Browning, a former president of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys and a lawyer in Columbus, Ohio.

Consider your parent

Your parent may be grateful for your concern -- or resentful as all get out. Even those who accept some kinds of help may resist other forms of caregiving.

Many parents find it difficult to share detailed financial or health information with somebody they taught to talk and walk, said Steve Barlam, a former president of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. Letting others take over also means conceding that they're simply not as capable as they used to be.

"It's a hard thing for an older adult to acknowledge they have some weaknesses," Barlam said.

Often, the best way to offer help is to frame it as a favor the parents can do for you. Instead of saying, "You need to do this," Barlam said, you can tell your parent that the caregiving arrangements will ease your concerns.

"You can say, 'This will give me greater peace of mind because I'm at such a long distance,'" Barlam said.

Consider yourself

Finally, don't underestimate the toll long-distance caregiving will take on you and your family. Even if you're not physically with your parents every day, your attentions to them will take time, money and emotional energy. To help you through this difficult experience:

• You can't do it all. Even if you were on site, you couldn't meet all your parents' needs. Guilt about not doing enough or making the wrong decisions is part and parcel of caregiving.

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• Get support. People who have been through similar situations can be wonderful sounding boards. If you feel like you're carrying too much of the burden, ask others for help. Family members who have been shirking their responsibilities may shape up if you talk to them directly.

• Build up an emergency fund. Even if you're not paying directly for your parents' care, you'll encounter plenty of additional expenses, such as last-minute plane flights and unpaid time off work. A hefty emergency fund can help you avoid going into debt.

Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston's award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board.

Updated May 20, 2009

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