How to fight off a 'black widow'

By Liz Pulliam Weston

It's a distressingly common phenomenon.

A predator strikes up a relationship, often romantic, with an elderly person. Gradually, the con artist alienates the older person from his or her family, convincing the senior that "they're just after your money."

But money is in fact the predator's real target. Known in retiree communities as "black widows" or "black widowers," after the mate-eating spiders, these malicious folks take control of retirees' finances or induce seniors to give them money and assets, sometimes leaving their victims penniless.

"It's just the worst situation, and it's getting to be so common," said Donna Bashaw, a Laguna Woods, Calif., attorney and former president of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. "The facts in these cases are all so similar. It's like these people go to school to learn how to do this."

A family often finds it tough to counter a black widow's influence. Police may refuse to get involved in what many consider a personal matter. Social workers may not act unless there's solid evidence of neglect or abuse.

'The right to be stupid'

Even the most drastic step -- going to court to try to take over an elderly relative's finances -- may not work if the older person is competent enough to fight back. The family can try to argue that the senior is a victim of "undue influence," that in essence he or she can't resist the influence of the predator, but that doesn't always work.

"After all, everyone has the right to be stupid," Bashaw said. "You may have lost in that situation."

In 2003, about 15% of the 192,243 cases of elder abuse reported in the U.S. involved financial exploitation, according to the National Center on Elder Abuse.Even when families do wrest control of the finances, it may be too late.

Terrie McKinley of Orange County, Calif., originally welcomed her mother's interest in a former schoolmate whom the older woman, then 76, had encountered at a high school reunion. The man was included in family celebrations and at first seemed willing to contribute to household expenses after the couple moved in together.

Then things began to change. The man grew more hostile to McKinley and her family. Although McKinley had long served as her mother's financial adviser -- balancing the older woman's checkbook and advising her on when to renew her certificates of deposit -- the man convinced McKinley's mother that the younger woman couldn't be trusted. McKinley's name was removed from her mother's accounts, and the older couple changed the locks on the condo where they lived.

McKinley said her mother, who was suffering from early stages of dementia, would be left alone for days while the man went on trips. Unexplained bruises began showing up on her face and arms. McKinley said she asked the county's social-service agency to investigate, but no wrongdoing was found.

The man convinced the couple's neighbors that McKinley was the abusive, money-grubbing one. Some of the neighbors confronted McKinley when she visited her mother's condo. McKinley seethed with embarrassment and frustration.

"I said, 'You don't know what's really going on here,'" McKinley recalled.

Then one night the older woman broke her leg in two places. While she was in a hospital, doctors discovered she was suffering from malnutrition -- and McKinley discovered the woman's $150,000 savings had vaporized. The money that should have lasted the rest of the woman's life "was gone in six years," McKinley said.

Continued: Establishing a conservatorship

What was especially painful, McKinley said, was that her mother got so little benefit.

"She didn't take cruises or buy nice things," McKinley said. "She was wearing rags and sitting on her sofa alone, while this clever old fool was dressed to the nines and running all over town on her money."

Away from the man's influence, McKinley convinced her mother to agree to a conservatorship. The older woman even came to the court proceedings to express her support for allowing her daughter to take control of her finances. McKinley formally evicted the man from the condo and sold the property to help pay for her mother's $4,500-a-month care in an assisted-living facility.

Elder-law experts say black widows and black widowers can run from mere opportunists to calculating criminals who move from victim to victim and who may even kill to get their hands on a paramour's assets.Those most at risk include:

• People in the beginning stages of dementia or Alzheimer's disease, or who suffer from other cognitive impairments.
• Widows, widowers and divorcées who no longer have a life partner to help them spot exploitation and to ward off the advances of a predator.
• People whose poor health, advanced age or anti-social personality limits their opportunities to socialize.

How to fight back

Despite the difficulties, elder-law experts say there is plenty that families can do to battle a black widow:

• Try to stay close. Isolating your parent is a key component of a predator's plan, said elder-law attorney Geraldine Champion of San Luis Obispo, Calif., but you don't have to cooperate. Continue visiting and including the parent in family gatherings. If you live far away, Bashaw said, consider hiring a geriatric-care manager to look in on your parent every week or so. (You can find information on hiring these specialists at CareManager.org.) Costs vary widely by the level of service but typically range from $20 to $90 an hour.
• Consider early intervention. Many families are reluctant to intervene in a parent's romantic or social life, but Bashaw said they may need to overcome their squeamishness if the parent is suffering from dementia or other cognitive problems. Simply taking your parent with you on a vacation or a trip to visit relatives may be enough to destroy the predator's influence if it's still in the beginning stages, Bashaw said. "If it's early, I try to get the families to get (the parent) away from this person," she said. "Sometimes taking a trip is enough to get (the parent) to forget them."
• Make sure dementia is properly treated. An older person who becomes combative and paranoid, Champion said, is often suffering from a medical condition that can be treated. An astute doctor can prescribe medications that "take away that intense anxiety and paranoia," Champion said. "If the doctor you're working with isn't (properly) treating your parent, if they can't sleep through the night and they're edgy or combative, fire that doctor and get another one" who specializes in geriatric medicine.
• Call for help. If you suspect abuse, neglect or exploitation, the National Center on Elder Abuse recommends calling the elder-abuse hotline in the state where your parent lives. The national Eldercare Locator hot line at 1-800-677-1116 also can direct you to the protective services office nearest your parent.
• If all else fails, consider conservatorship. A conservatorship gives you legal authority over your parent's affairs, but it can be an expensive and sometimes futile battle. Courts typically grant a conservatorship when the parent is proved to be incompetent to handle his or her own affairs, although some are granted because of "undue influence" -- the person being unable to resist the will of someone else, typically because of physical or mental limitations. If you believe you may need to go this route, hire an attorney who specializes in this area. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys can offer referrals.

Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston's award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board.

Updated May 20, 2009