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What was especially painful, McKinley said, was that her mother got so little benefit.
"She didn't take cruises or buy nice things," McKinley said. "She was wearing rags and sitting on her sofa alone, while this clever old fool was dressed to the nines and running all over town on her money."
Away from the man's influence, McKinley convinced her mother to agree to a conservatorship. The older woman even came to the court proceedings to express her support for allowing her daughter to take control of her finances. McKinley formally evicted the man from the condo and sold the property to help pay for her mother's $4,500-a-month care in an assisted-living facility.
Elder-law experts say black widows and black widowers can run from mere opportunists to calculating criminals who move from victim to victim and who may even kill to get their hands on a paramour's assets.
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- People in the beginning stages of dementia or Alzheimer's disease, or who suffer from other cognitive impairments.
- Widows, widowers and divorcées who no longer have a life partner to help them spot exploitation and to ward off the advances of a predator.
- People whose poor health, advanced age or anti-social personality limits their opportunities to socialize.
How to fight back
Despite the difficulties, elder-law experts say there is plenty that families can do to battle a black widow:- Try to stay close. Isolating your parent is a key component of a predator's plan, said elder-law attorney Geraldine Champion of San Luis Obispo, Calif., but you don't have to cooperate. Continue visiting and including the parent in family gatherings. If you live far away, Bashaw said, consider hiring a geriatric-care manager to look in on your parent every week or so. (You can find information on hiring these specialists at CareManager.org.) Costs vary widely by the level of service but typically range from $20 to $90 an hour.
- Consider early intervention. Many families are reluctant to intervene in a parent's romantic or social life, but Bashaw said they may need to overcome their squeamishness if the parent is suffering from dementia or other cognitive problems. Simply taking your parent with you on a vacation or a trip to visit relatives may be enough to destroy the predator's influence if it's still in the beginning stages, Bashaw said. "If it's early, I try to get the families to get (the parent) away from this person," she said. "Sometimes taking a trip is enough to get (the parent) to forget them."
- Make sure dementia is properly treated. An older person who becomes combative and paranoid, Champion said, is often suffering from a medical condition that can be treated. An astute doctor can prescribe medications that "take away that intense anxiety and paranoia," Champion said. "If the doctor you're working with isn't (properly) treating your parent, if they can't sleep through the night and they're edgy or combative, fire that doctor and get another one" who specializes in geriatric medicine.
- Call for help. If you suspect abuse, neglect or exploitation, the National Center on Elder Abuse recommends calling the elder-abuse hotline in the state where your parent lives. The national Eldercare Locator hot line at 1-800-677-1116 also can direct you to the protective services office nearest your parent.
- If all else fails, consider conservatorship. A conservatorship gives you legal authority over your parent's affairs, but it can be an expensive and sometimes futile battle. Courts typically grant a conservatorship when the parent is proved to be incompetent to handle his or her own affairs, although some are granted because of "undue influence" -- the person being unable to resist the will of someone else, typically because of physical or mental limitations. If you believe you may need to go this route, hire an attorney who specializes in this area. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys can offer referrals.
Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston's award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board.
Updated May 20, 2009
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