3 steps to help parents grow old gracefully

Remember, though, that your parents have the ultimate say about their money. You might not agree with their decisions to play the ponies, send checks to televangelists or finance a ne'er-do-well nephew's business schemes, but unless they're mentally incompetent, your influence is probably limited. To wrest control of their finances, you would need to convince a judge to make you their conservator, something that's not likely to happen unless they're clearly mentally incapacitated.

Tackle the issue of driving safety

Condemning elderly drivers will just put your folks on the defensive.

A better approach might be to discuss with your parents ways that they can drive more safely, as well as what could trigger their decision to hang up their keys:

• You can point out that everyone's hearing, vision and reaction times decline with age, and suggest that they consider taking one of the $10 safety courses for mature drivers offered by AARP.

• The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has a booklet, "Driving Safely While Aging Gracefully," that can help older drivers assess and improve their skills. (You can read the booklet online as well.)

• You can discuss alternatives to cars, such as the shuttles many communities run for the elderly. Your local area agency on aging can provide ideas.

• Some older people put voluntary restrictions on themselves, such as not driving at night and avoiding freeways.

If those aren't enough, or if your parent is clearly dangerous behind the wheel, you may need to talk to his or her physician. Or contact the Department of Motor Vehicles (or similar agency) if the parent is unwilling to give up the keys.

States differ, but some have policies that can help rein in dangerous drivers. In California, for example, older drivers must pass behind-the-wheel driving tests if their doctors, a police officer or an immediate family member notify the DMV about their concerns.

Still having trouble? You may need to bring in reinforcements.

Unite and conquer

Remember when you and your siblings tried to play one parent against another? If your folks were smart, they didn't fall for those games. They knew a united front was the best way to ensure family harmony.

You can take a lesson from that approach if you meet resistance to your overtures. Champion recommends adult children get together as a group to discuss strategy before confronting obstreperous parents. The younger generation can decide which issues should be tackled and how to approach them.

If you're an only child, or the only one who cares, you may need to join forces with someone your parents trust -- the advisers noted above, a clergyperson or a family friend. Having more than one voice expressing the same concern can have a powerful effect on even the most stubborn of parents.

It's possible, after trying every other approach to ensure your parents' safety and security, that you'll have to resort to drastic measures: confiscating the keys, sending them to a nursing home, having a court find them incompetent. If your parents can't take care of themselves, in other words, you may be forced to take over.

“At some point,” McCarthy said, “the roles may have to reverse.”

Liz Pulliam Weston is the Web's most-read personal-finance writer. She is the author of several books, most recently "Your Credit Score: Your Money & What's at Stake." Weston's award-winning columns appear every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions on the Your Money message board.

Updated May 20, 2009

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